|
|
For Niccy for making me like Xander.
I love watching him sleep. I sit here next to him in my big bed. It's dark--the only light coming from the moon shining through my sheer curtains--it's early morning, and I can't sleep. Too full of love, I guess.
Xander looks so innocent in sleep, his face free of tension, of his need to be funny all the time. Most people think he's a clown, but I know better. I know what he's survived for seventeen years.
He shared that with me even before I ever told him I loved him. He trusted me with his darkest secrets.
And I hid mine from him. I hid the secrets and the truth, giving him only a glimpse of the real me. He thought the dom thing was a game--and maybe at the beginning it was--but now I know it's a part of me. I don't have to do it all the time, and I know in my heart he will never be a true sub, but I love the thrill it gives me. The power...
It's better than raw sex, but not better than making love. There is a difference, you know. I never knew that until Xander. I guess I never loved so completely.
Sometimes I look at him and wonder what the Hell I'm doing with him...but, then, I look in his eyes and see the strength, the loyalty, the love, and I know why. He fulfills me like nothing or no one else.
And I hurt him. He actually thought he would...he could...lose me to Willow. Those damn secrets...
I guess I should be grateful to Spike for blabbing. Of course, all he's doing right now is making Willow totally miserable, so most of the time I want to smack the shit out of him--never a smart thing to want to do to a vampire.
I feel myself frowning and wrap the blanket tighter around myself. There are still some secrets I can't tell Xander. It hurt him enough to find out about Willow, but that needed to come out since I don't want to end my relationship with her. I would have, I know I could have, had he asked me to, but he didn't ask, and I love him even more for it.
But, he never needs to know that I slept with Spike. It will never happen again and...it would kill him. He hates Spike almost as much as he hates Angel.
And, there's one more secret...I know it will come out someday--it has to--but he'll never learn from me that Buffy and Angel are still together. I'll just be there to pick up the pieces when Xander finds out that Buffy literally sold her soul to the devil.
I have a hard time picturing it. Spike and Willow...well, he's so obviously in love with her, even if he's pissed at her right now...and until this recent mess, he's always been so tender and loving.
The thought of Angel just sends shivers of horror down my spine. I can't see him ever being tender or loving. I don't like imagining what Buffy does to survive.
Glancing down, I see a smile on Xander's young face and I thank God for the thousandth time that my lover is simply human. Nothing simple about him or our relationship, but at least we're human, if not quite normal.
The last week has been Hell for me. Xander needed to think. He'd accepted my relationship with Willow--in fact, I think he was more bothered by the changes in Willow than that I've been sleeping with her--but he needed time to absorb it all. So, I backed off, only saw him at school, didn't call him on the phone. I nearly went insane. The distance made me realize just how deeply I love and need him.
Last night he knocked on my door, a bouquet of three red tulips in his hands, a hesitant, hopeful look on his face.
And I started to cry...in relief...from love. I collapsed into his arms and he didn't freak out, he picked me up and carried me upstairs and cradled me. He murmured over and over how much he loves me and there was nothing to forgive, all the while I was thanking him for doing both, loving and forgiving me.
Then we made the sweetest love. It was long and slow and gentle--no need for violence or S&M or playing games. Xander and Cordelia made love--mutual, joyous, tender and passionate love.
The kind of lovemaking that should create children and someday will. For, I know now that I will spend the rest of my life with his man, willingly, eagerly, sharing the good times and the bad. I want to be his wife and lover, the mother of his children. I can just picture him holding a baby, pure love shining in his chocolate eyes.
I love Xander Harris with all my heart and soul. I love him for accepting everything about me, for being willing to let me live my life the way I need to, for encouraging me to continue to explore the dominatrix within me. I love him for seeing past the shallow bitch I show to the world, and for loving the true me, the me I've buried for so many years.
He stirs and rolls towards me, snuggling against my leg and I feel a jolt of pleasure from his touch. Sliding down the bed, I curl up next to him, wrapping my arm around his waist, feeling the strength in his firm, young, body. And, I can feel how much he loves me, from the smile of joy on his face that brushes my cheek, and the way he reaches for me, holding me close.
And I hear it in his voice as he murmurs my name in his sleep.
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and I brush my lips across his, before I bury my face in his chest, weeping softly, so very overwhelmed by my feelings towards this kind, generous, loving man.
So very thankful that he loves me back.
End