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Willow dreamed. She saw
herself cowering, naked in the corner of a stone room. It was cold, bitterly
cold, but her other self didn't seem to feel it. She was rocking, her arms
wrapped around her knees, and she was singing very softly, something about worms
and bones.
Willow shuddered as she
watched herself picking at scabs on her neck. Her body was covered with bite
wounds-- some nearly healed, some only hours old.
Her other self looked up,
staring blankly, and Willow gasped. Her hair was white in places and her face
was lined. Her breasts sagged and hung on a nearly skeletal frame.
She was old.
Suddenly their eyes met
and the older Willow spoke through chapped lips, her voice raspy from disuse.
"Don't let him do this to us."
A door opened and Spike
stepped into the room. He looked the same as he always did--young and strong and
incredibly sexy.
The other Willow shrieked
and cowered, scrabbling at the stone wall beside her as if she could escape.
Spike ignored the crone,
turning to the young Willow. He frowned and shook his head. "All you had to
do was give yourself to me." Turning from her, he reached for the cowering
Willow with one hand and began to unfasten his jeans with the other.
Willow screamed along
with her older self.
Thankfully the scream was
muffled in her pillow so she didn't disturb her parents. Shaking from head to
foot, Willow sat up and felt nausea roll through her. As the images of her dream
came back to her, she bolted for the bathroom.
Fifteen minutes later she
emerged, wan and wasted looking, her hair pulled back in a limp pony tail. It
was barely dawn, but she knew further sleep would be impossible. She was too
afraid that she would return to that horrible dream.
She didn't even want to
examine it.
Pulling some clothes out
of her closet, she dressed haphazardly, grabbed her bookbag and slipped out the
French doors. Her parents were used to her leaving for school early, so they
wouldn't worry.
She needed to get to the
library and she prayed Giles had slept at home for once.
*****
Luck was with her. The
library was empty. She let herself in with the illicit keys Giles had made for
all of them, then dumped her bookbag next to her computer. All the way to the
library she had racked her brain for the name of the book in which she had read
about some kind of sexual bond between vampires and humans.
She could picture the
conversation about the book. It had come to her as she hurried across Main
Street.
She had been in the
library, going through yet another musty book. Buffy had been with her and they
had been giggling, looking furtive.
The book had been on
sexual practices of vampires. One particular thing had jumped out at her because
she had made some comment to Buffy about it.
About not letting Angel
drink from her while they made love.
And Buffy had asked why,
before moaning about how far away from actually making love they were.
Willow had stopped in the
middle of the street, a stricken look crossing her face, as the words of the
book seemed to materialize in front of her.
'If a male vampire drinks
from a mortal woman while in the act of sexual intercourse, the mortal is bound
to the vampire by emotional and physical ties.'
There was more, but
Willow couldn't remember it. Buffy had giggled and sworn to keep Angel away from
her neck whenever they finally got around to reaching the throws of passion.
It had been funny then.
It wasn't funny anymore.
If only she could
remember the name of the damn book.
She had a vague memory of
finding the book lying out, left behind after Jenny had been in the library. It
had contained several X-rated pictures, so Willow figured Giles didn't have it
shelved in the stacks.
Finding the key to the
cage, she opened it and stepped inside. All of Giles' most important, most
deadly, and most suggestive books were kept locked away.
*****
First bell rang and
Willow slammed the last book shut in frustration. It wasn't there. Cursing under
her breath, she turned and found Giles staring at her, just standing outside the
cage, arms crossed over his chest.
"Willow."
"Um...Giles..."
His eyes narrowed and he
stepped closer, suddenly concerned. "What happened to your face? Dear lord,
those are finger shaped bruises."
Willow flushed. She had
tried to cover the bruises with makeup, but she had never been very skillful at
that sort of thing. "Um...vampires."
He gave her a puzzled
look and she slipped past him, heading for her bookbag, praying he'd drop it.
"Buffy said that she had two uneventful nights of slaying. Were you not
with her? You know how dangerous it is to walk at night without the
Slayer."
"Giles...please."
Her back to him, she bit her lip, tears suddenly burning her eyes again.
"I...I have to get to class." She grabbed her bookbag and turned, only
to have Buffy bounce in the door.
"Hey, Giles. Hey,
Will," she said in a softer voice, then her eyes narrowed too, then turned
to ice. "He is so dead." In full slayer mode, she stormed past Giles
into the cage and grabbed an ax.
Willow's eyes widened in
horror as she realized what Buffy had planned and in the fact that Giles was
standing there, looking from one girl to the other, very baffled. As Buffy
crossed back towards the door, Willow grabbed her, trying to pull the ax out of
her hands. "No, please."
Buffy easily pulled away
from her friend. "Willow, I'm going to chop of his head and find great
satisfaction in watching him dust."
Tears streamed down
Willow's face and she wrung her hands, shaking her head wildly.
"Who?" Giles
asked. "Angel? Did Angel attack you, Willow?"
Suddenly, as if just
realizing that Giles was in on this conversation, Buffy paled and the ax
clattered to the floor. "Oh God, Willow." Panic filled Buffy's eyes as
she realized how close to spilling their secrets she had come. She grabbed
Willow's wrist and began to tug her towards the door. "Oops, we're going to
be late to class. Sorry, Giles, no time."
Giles cut them off, the
expression on his face one of his sternest. Willow pulled away from Buffy,
wincing at the soreness in her hand from the violence of the night before.
Absently she noticed that her fingers were bruised.
"I wasn't planning
to go to class, Buffy. I need to... research." Willow's shoulders slumped
in defeat. She had looked everywhere she could think, even spending time in the
early hours of the morning on the Internet. She was down to only one option.
He stood blocking the
door, giving them both concerned but not happy looks.
Buffy flashed her a
helpless look and managed to slip past Giles. He let her go. Willow figured it
was because he knew he could get the answers from her better than from Buffy.
Turning, defeated, and
not having any clue where to start, Willow found her way back to the table and
slumped in a chair.
"Would you like some
tea, Willow?"
"Yes please,"
she answered in a dull voice, her eyes staring blankly across the room.
She was still staring,
totally dazed, when Giles emerged from his office with two cups of tea. He set
them on the table, then went and put the 'closed for shelving' sign on the door,
before taking a seat across from Willow. He picked up his cup and took a sip,
then gave her a compassionate look.
Willow hated it. It was
the worst look he could have given her. Great big sobs broke from deep in her
chest and huge tears welled from her eyes. Her chin fell to her heaving chest
and she wrapped her arms around herself.
Giles let her cry, hoping
it would help. After about five minutes, she began to calm down, the sobs
turning to sniffles and whimpers. Wiping her eyes, she raised her head and
looked at him with such empty eyes.
"I don't know where
to start," she whimpered. Gently, he touched her cheek with one finger,
just below the bruise. "Who did this?" he asked softly.
"...Spike."
It was clearly not the
answer he expected.
*****
"Sp..Spike?"
Giles stammered. "But...how? He hasn't been heard from in months and the
last thing anyone knew, he was paralyzed and in a wheelchair."
Willow's eyes fell to the
table and she picked up her tea, sipping so as to avoid answering right away.
She didn't even know where to start.
"You're lucky that
you got away from him with only a bruise," Giles said gently.
Willow sighed and set her
cup back down, then clasped her hands together in her lap. The middle finger of
her left hand still stung and she wondered if Spike had cracked a bone when he
had knocked the phone from her hand.
"Willow?"
Sighing again, Willow
closed her eyes briefly then opened them, along with her trembling lips.
"It wasn't like that."
"Hm?"
"I wasn't out
walking. Spike didn't try to capture me or kill me or..." Her voice died
away and embarrassment reddened her face. This had to be worse than confession.
"I don't want to say this, Giles," she whispered.
"If it's about
Spike, one of the deadliest vampires Buffy has faced, I need to know everything,
Willow."
Giles wasn't going to let
this go. Willow's fingers tightened and she winced, then nibbled on her lip.
Finally, she began to speak in a low, dull voice. "I never meant for you to
find out. I never meant for anything to happen. I never meant a lot of things.
I've been living night to night and trying not to think. It seemed for the
best...at the time."
As if he knew this was
going to be long and painful, Giles remained silent, waiting for her to
continue.
"About three months
ago, I was here researching and you went off to find Buffy. The next thing I
knew, I was being dumped on a bed...Spike's bed."
Giles drew in his breath,
but continued to remain silent. Willow continued to stare at her hands in her
lap.
"He...he...we...oh
God." She turned bright red and wanted to curl into a ball, but forced
herself to spit the words out. "We had sex."
Clearly stunned, Giles
could only gasp and stare at her bent head. "Willow?" He desperately
tried to convince himself that he had misunderstood her. Her next words
shattered that.
"It wasn't rape. He
didn't give me a choice, but he didn't hurt me either. It was...wonderful."
"Willow, I'm so
sorry. I worried that your association with Buffy would cause your...death, but
never this. You must have been so frightened." Giles stammered, his tongue
twisting as he pictured her and Spike. He then tried to thrust the image from
his mind, totally shocked.
"He let me go,
obviously," she continued, wanting it all out so they could get to what was
really important. "But, I couldn't stop thinking about him, about that
night. A week went by and I wasn't sleeping very well. I left the house and
started wandering. I knew it was stupid, but a part of me really didn't care. I
ended up in the park...and there he was."
Taking a shaky breath,
Willow peeked under her lashes at Giles and saw him staring at her, puzzlement,
concern, horror on his face. She looked back down again, feeling the too
familiar tears prickling the corners of her eyes. "We've been seeing each
other ever since," she said baldly.
"What?"
Willow cringed at his
bellow of shock and wrapped her arms around herself. "Please don't be
mad," she begged softly, a solitary tear running down one cheek.
"Why, Willow? Why
would you do this? The danger, the risk, the...he is a demon."
As his words made her
feel worse, Willow resorted to anger, not her usual fall back, but then nothing
had been normal recently. "I'm not a child. You don't have to tell me any
of that."
Their eyes met and in
hers Giles saw the strength and will he had seen before, along with something
else. Maturity. She was no longer a child. He flushed slightly and rubbed his
hands over his face, numb and confused.
"Where did I fail
you?" he whispered.
"No...Don't say
that. Don't blame yourself. You warned us all, taught us how to protect
ourselves...You just never told us that demons could be so loving, so
sweet." She broke off with a sob and gasped for breath against the surge of
emotions.
Giles look turned sad and
he stared at her, for the first time seeing her as a woman. A woman in a lot of
pain. "Has he hit you before?"
She shook her head, not
wanting to go into the details of her sex life with a man she thought of as a
substitute father. She knew what he meant and she knew there was a lot of
difference between the spankings and being slapped in anger.
Suddenly Giles recalled
Buffy's reaction to the bruise and he sighed in disappointment. "Buffy
knows, doesn't she?"
"Yes. She found us
together and tried to stake him, but I wouldn't let her. I finally convinced her
that he wouldn't hurt me."
"I don't believe she
kept this from me," he muttered, almost to himself.
"Giles...I'm
sorry."
He straightened in his
chair, a cool mask covering his face as he looked at her and she flinched back,
dropping her eyes. "What are you sorry for, Willow? Having an intimate
relationship with a demon who has tried to kill Buffy?"
"No...he's...changed."
As Willow said the words, she knew she longer wholly believed them. "I'm
sorry for disappointing you and hurting you, but I care...cared for him and I
believed he loved me," she explained slowly.
"Oh Willow,"
Giles sighed. "That's one of the oldest lines..."
She began to cry again,
rocking slightly in her chair, tears dripping onto the table. "I know. Oh
God, I know." It all began to spill from her in a pain-laden rush. "I
found him with Drusilla, naked, the other night and then I saw him hunting and
killing, and I've denied that for so long, refused to even think about it. I
don't know what's worse, the infidelity or the killing. I just...I just don't
want to talk to him or see him or think about him or love him. Oh, please, I
don't want to love him." Her voice cracked as she sobbed and rocked her
slight body harder in the chair.
"He was in my room
last night when I woke up and I told him to get out but he wouldn't leave and I
grabbed a cross and he hit me and he's never...I'm so scared, Giles. I don't
know what to do."
Looking at her ravaged
face, listening to her heart-rending sobs, Giles rounded the table to sit next
to her and lift her onto his lap. Gently he tried to calm her down, stroking her
shoulder and letting her cry on his.
A million thoughts and
emotions ran through his mind. He couldn't help but feel that he'd failed her
somehow, and he was very disappointed in both her and Buffy. He was frightened
that Willow might have made a very deadly enemy. And he was concerned that she
seemed to have fallen in love with him.
But, there were things he
needed to know. As Willow began to calm, Giles began to sort things out in his
very ordered mind.
Certainly Willow wasn't
the first human woman to have been involved with a vampire. The Watcher Journals
were full of such accounts. The relationships were usually brief and purely
sexual on the vampire's part, although there had been instances of love actually
forming.
No matter, the
relationships tended to end with the vampire killing the woman.
That would happen to
Willow over his own dead body.
Willow hiccuped, then
swiped at her sore, damp eyes before awkwardly rising from Giles' lap and
returning to her own seat. She picked up her lukewarm tea and swallowed some,
trying to clear her throat.
"Willow, there are
some things we need to discuss if you feel up to it." At her nod, he
continued. "You've allowed him access to your house?" She nodded
again. "I don't know of any way to revoke the invitation, but I shall look
into it. I suggest that you hang a cross over your window."
"My father will
throw a fit," she mumbled.
"Yes, well, I'm sure
he'd throw quite a fit if the truth came out." She flushed and he sighed.
"I'm sorry. I...I'm having trouble...accepting this."
"It's okay. Me
too."
"Naturally, you
don't have to worry about pregnancy or disease," Giles said, switching
topics. "You do need to be concerned about both Angelus and Drusilla."
Before Giles could go
into that any further, Willow interrupted him, swallowing hard. "There's
something much more important I need to know. I remember reading something. It
was in a book on vampires' sexual habits. It had to do with...drinking
blood."
"You
haven't..."
"No...not me, well,
not more than a tiny bit, you know, during..." Again, Willow reddened and
her breathing grew shallow. "I let him...I let him drink from me."
"Oh." Giles
stared at the top of her head, then took off his glass and pinched the bridge of
his nose. "I seem to recall something about this topic."
"It was...it was
during...sex," she said in a small voice.
Suddenly, it came back to
him and he visibly paled. "Willow?" he asked in a strangled voice.
"Did you climax from the bite?"
"Why?"
"Did you?"
"...Yes."
Agitated, Giles jumped to
his feet and hurried into his office. Willow was extremely bothered by his
reaction and something else came back to her from the passage she had read. It
wasn't just about feeding during sex...it had something to do with orgasm.
Making a frustrated noise, Willow racked her brain for more of the answer,
trying very hard to tamp down her fear.
Giles returned with a
book. His face was shuttered again, his lips pressed tightly together. Setting
the book down on the table, he took the seat across from her again and began to
flip pages. Finally, he stopped and quickly read.
"Willow, this is
extremely important. Are you certain that your climax came from the feeding and
not from the sexual activity?"
While a part of her was
stunned that he managed not to stammer over any of that, the rest of her mind
went back to that night and she flushed again. Staring at the book, she forced
her memories into words. "We...we had finished. He was...still inside
me...still hard." She choked, but managed to continue. "I begged him
to bite me and he did. As he drank...he began to move, but...I was already...it
was already happening again. It was from the bite."
Terribly embarrassed, she
bit her lip and waited for him to continue.
"Oh, dear
lord." Turning the book around, he pushed it towards Willow, pointing to a
passage. She read it aloud, slowly, trying to digest the words.
"'If a male vampire
drinks from a mortal woman while in the act of sexual intercourse, the mortal is
bound to the vampire by emotional and physical ties. The woman's sexual climax,
if caused by the feeding and not from any other means, creates a chemical change
in both the vampire and the woman. From then on, every bite will cause another
climax, whether during sexual intercourse or not. The orgasm releases chemicals
into the woman's bloodstream which are then fed to the vampire, temporarily
making him more powerful and stronger. Thus, a bond is formed. See Lawrence
Clayborne's Letters and relevant journal passages."
Looking up, Willow gave
Giles a baffled look. "I don't understand. Why? Wouldn't every vampire be
looking for sex rather than food?"
Giles gave her a sad look
and reached across the table for her hands. "It's very rare, Willow, to
find a woman who can produce the enzymes and it's possible that it has to be a
specific pairing of vampire and human. It's also so rare that it's possible that
many vampires have never even heard of it. There is also supposition that the
initiation of the bond is the sexual intercourse, followed by the bite. Most
vampires don't have the patience to have sex with all their female victims
before biting."
As dread began to form in
the pit of Willow's stomach, she absorbed what Giles was telling her and
remembered Spike's words of the night before. "Spike said something about
being bound by blood and lust until I die."
Giles nodded.
"Simplistic, but accurate."
"No."
"Willow, there are a
few instances recorded in the Watcher Journals, one was even about a Slayer who
took a vampire lover. But, the most complete and detailed account is Clayborne's
Letters. Nearly one hundred years ago, his wife took a vampire lover and the
same thing happened to her. He chronicled what she went through."
"What? What happened
to her?" Willow asked, needing to know, but dreading the answer.
"As I said, only
about one in every ten thousand women is capable of producing the necessary
enzymes, but no one knows why the bond forms. You've formed it with Spike, so no
other male vampire will be able to produce the same effect in you. Clayborne's
wife proved this by having relations with other males. It's also not known
whether it has to be a specific vampire or if it's just the first one whose bite
induces the orgasm. Although there are plenty of accounts of women and men who
enjoyed being bitten and fed upon, it is not normal to reach a sexual
climax."
Willow flushed at the
clinical tone of his voice and slowly pulled her hands free from his. Her mind
seemed to be having a hard time understanding all of this and she knew there was
more...and she knew it was going to be bad.
"So what you're
saying is that my body is now creating some kind of chemicals that Spike will
want to make him stronger? He'll...seek me out?"
More nodding. "He
won't need to have intercourse with you, although that seems to be the method
that releases the greatest concentration of the enzyme."
"What aren't you
saying, Giles?"
He took a deep breath and
she winced at the pain in his eyes. "How long has it been since he
last...fed?"
"It was only once
and, just over three weeks."
Giles eyes dropped to the
book and he took another deep breath, obviously not wanting to continue.
"There are apparently no repercussions for the vampire...but there are for
the woman. If she...if you...don't release the chemicals building inside
you...they will drive you insane."
Willow gaped at him.
"What?"
"You need to have
regular climaxes while Spike feeds on you. It can only be him and it needs to be
at least once a month." Slowly his eyes made their way back to her face and
he saw the pain and horror before she collapsed, sobbing wildly.
*****
As he thumbed through
possibly relevant texts, Giles' eyes kept flitting into his office where Willow
slept fitfully on his sofa. She had sobbed herself to sleep--a blessing in his
mind as the strain from lack of rest was showing on her in the form of dark
circles under eyes and a frightening pallor. He had carried her into his office
and tried to make her comfortable on the lumpy sofa.
An hour had passed while
he researched. Occasionally she turned over or whimpered in her sleep. He could
only imagine the dreams she was suffering.
The library door opened
and Cordelia walked in, glancing around.
"Buffy told me
Willow was here and...well...could use a friend," she said as she
approached the table.
Giles nodded and gestured
for her to keep her voice down. "She's sleeping in my office. She's...had a
bit of a shock."
"Uh huh."
Cordelia set down her purse.
"Do you know? About
her and...Spike?"
Cordelia nodded slowly,
unable to look him in the eyes. Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose
in frustration.
"It's my free
period. I'll just sit with her," Cordelia began, only to be interrupted by
Willow crying the word 'no' in her sleep. Fear and concern crossed Cordelia's
face and she hurried into the office.
Giles watched her, quite
surprised at this refreshing change in Cordelia's attitude. He had never known
her to be very concerned about anyone else.
Entering the dimly lit
office, Cordelia saw that Willow had curled herself into a shaking ball against
the high arm of the couch. Sitting down next to her friend, Cordelia pulled her
gently into her arms, cradling Willow's head on her shoulder.
Murmuring, Willow
snuggled against her warmth, wrapping her arm across Cordelia's chest. Sighing
softly, the brunette laid her cheek on top of Willow's head.
"It will be okay,
Will. We'll make it okay."
*****
Near the end of the
period, Giles rose and walked towards his office. "Cordelia," he began
softly as he stepped inside. "You need to get to class." His voice
died off as he saw the embrace the two girls were in. In her sleep, Willow was
cupping one of Cordelia's breasts as the brunette ran her hand over the other
girl's back and hips.
Giles flushed as Cordelia
looked up sleepily. She turned red as she realized where his eyes were focused.
Quickly she brushed Willow's hand away, only to have it return just as quickly.
Her fingers started twisting the nipple through the layers of blouse and bra.
"Willow, stop it," Cordelia hissed.
"Yes, mistress; I'm
sorry, mistress," Willow mumbled, still mostly asleep, her hand dropping
away to land on Cordelia's barely covered thigh, caressing gently.
"Oh geez."
Cordelia squirmed herself away from Willow, panicking a little, wondering what
Giles was thinking. As she stood up, she glanced down to see Willow curled on
the couch, sleeping deeply. Brushing past Giles, she hurried out into the
library, heading for her purse. "Um, she seems to be sleeping
better..."
"Cordelia,"
Giles said quietly.
She turned, eyes wild,
lower lip caught between her teeth. "Yes?"
"Maybe rather than
asking if you knew, I should have asked how much you're involved."
She blushed again,
grabbing her purse and hugging it to her chest. "You're...you're reading
too much into that, Giles."
He looked at her as he
took out his wallet and opened it, flipping through the plastic insert. Pulling
out a card, he handed it to her. "It's expensive to join, but they don't
ask questions and they don't have age requirements."
The card read 'Dashwoods'
and had an address in the business district and a telephone number.
"What is it?"
"A very exclusive
club for people with...special needs."
Cordelia continued to
redden as she got his meaning, but she slipped the card into her purse.
"Giles..."
"Go to class,
Cordelia."
She ran through the
library doors. Shaking his head, still stunned by the unspoken yet obvious truth
of the relationship between the hacker and the cheerleader--and wondering why he
had never before seen Cordelia in the role of dominatrix--Giles returned to his
research.
*****
Willow woke suddenly,
sitting up. Disoriented, she let her eyes flash around the small room, then her
memories returned. She blinked away the ever present tears, then swallowed hard.
Slight nausea rolled through her and her head pounded, but she couldn't just sit
there. She needed to do something, anything.
And there were still so
many unanswered questions.
Slowly she rose to her
feet and padded out of the office. A glance at the clock on the library wall
showed her that it was just past two. Giles sat at the table, flipping through
books.
He looked up as Willow
approached. "Do you feel any better?"
"Not
particularly." She sat down across from him, sighing deeply and rubbing her
temples. "I've really fucked up my life."
Giles stared at the
formerly meek and unassuming redhead. "Um...you could say that."
Realizing what she had
said, Willow had the grace to flush slightly, then changed the topic. "Let
me make sure I've got all this straight. I have to have to sex with Spike once a
month, or at least let him feed from me, or I'll go insane. How do we know
this?"
Giles took off his
glasses and rubbed his eyes, then pushed the heavy book aside and replaced the
glasses. Leaning forward slightly, he looked at her intently. "Earlier I
mentioned a Slayer who had gone through the same thing. It was in the sixteenth
century and she was a renegade. She went to the other side, so to speak, taking
her Watcher with her as a servant. The woman continued to record what her Slayer
experienced, but the scientific knowledge to facilitate true understanding of
this bond did not exist at that time."
He picked up small
leather book and opened it to a book marked passage. "This is her last
journal. 'My girl's lover has been gone for six weeks. He has never been away
longer than three. She is suffering poorly. Her mood changes like the wind. She
says that she can feel things under her skin, clawing at her. I look and see
nothing. She is feverish and has begun to rave about demons and blood. Earlier
today I found her trying to cut her arms to release the demons. I have locked
her in her chamber.'"
Giles glanced up and saw
that Willow was pale, but listening. "This is the last entry. 'I buried my
girl today. Her lover returned, after ten weeks away, to find me digging her
grave. He was saddened at her death, but he has already chosen a new lover from
the village. I told him that his absence drove her mad, but he scoffed. Nothing
had happened to him, after all. I told him that she had gone insane, slowly,
missing him. That she claimed demons were in her blood. That they finally drove
her to take her own life, leaping from her window in the tower. She had been
catatonic for three days before and my guard had lapsed.'"
"'I do not know what
caused her condition. I believe he had something to do with it. I recall my girl
telling me of their first time, how she had reached fulfillment from his bite
alone. I pondered this often, as I have never heard of such a thing. So, I
record it here. I leave for London tomorrow and I pray that the next Slayer is
stronger than my girl.'"
As Giles set the book
aside, Willow took a deep breath. "Okay, that's one account."
"There are
others," Giles said gently. "About a half dozen in the Watcher
Journals over the years and then Clayborne's Letters. He watched his wife go
insane after her lover was killed. He...experimented on her. He had her take
other vampires to her bed. He tested her blood. He noted the progression of her
insanity. His work was very detailed. I think you should read it, Willow."
Hesitantly she took the
book he handed her, too stunned to even cry anymore. "If Spike...dies...So,
my options are..."
Giles gave her a
sympathetic look and answered her gently. "To let him have you...and pray
that he doesn't tire of you...or get killed. I'm sorry, Willow."
"There's no
cure?" she asked dully.
He shook his head.
"Although, of course, I shall strive to find one."
Willow shook her head
this time, rising to her feet, the book clutched in her nearly bloodless hand.
"No...You mustn't take time away from your work with Buffy. I...made my own
bed. I'll have to deal." She reached for her book bag and put the book
inside.
"Willow."
"Could you tell
Buffy I've gone home and I really need to talk to her?"
"Of course. And,
Cordelia?"
Willow gave him a puzzled
look, then remembered a snippet of one of the few nice dreams she had earlier.
"Was she here?"
"During her free
period."
"Yeah...I'd like to
see her, too."
They looked at each other
for another moment, then Willow left the library. Giles watched her leave,
having no idea what to say to her to try to comfort her. All he could see was
her death looming in the not so distant future.
As depression settled
over him, he headed for his office and the phone. Perhaps a few discreet queries
to other Watchers...
*****
Willow walked home in a
daze, not thinking, not really seeing anything. Her mind focused on her
goal--home. Once she got there, to the safety of her room, she stared at her
bed, clueless as to what to do next.
Sinking slowly down the
closed door, she sat, knees drawn up to her chin, dry eyed and strangely calm.
Her logical mind began to examine the facts, filtering out the emotions, until
she began to look at possible solutions, possible futures.
None of them were at all
promising.
*****
Her mind peacefully
blank, Willow walked down the path towards the front door of the mansion. It had
taken her nearly 2 hours to walk from one side of town to the other and sunset
was only a couple hours away. She pushed open the front door, not even wondering
why it was unlocked, and walked unerringly down the hall.
Opening the door to
Spike's room, she saw him asleep, wearing the clothes from the night before.
Curled against his chest lay Drusilla in a torn nightgown. Dispassionately,
Willow looked at the whip marks that shown vividly on her pale skin.
Softly closing the door
behind her, she took the stake from her pocket and walked towards the bed.
Standing over Spike, she
ran her eyes over his still body, as if memorizing his beauty. Raising the stake
over her head, she closed her eyes briefly, then opened them, knowing she had to
see to aim. Willow brought the stake down swiftly, but at the last moment her
eyes closed in denial.
She felt the wood
penetrate flesh, heard the deep cry of pain, and stumbled back, horror at her
actions filling her. Her eyes flew open in panic and she looked at Spike.
Relief flooded her,
almost nauseating her with its intensity. He was sitting up, swaying drunkenly,
clawing at the stake in his shoulder. Hissing in fury and pain, he pulled it
free and flung it across the room. Demonic eyes captured her cowering against
the door.
Sanity flooded Willow and
she went white. She had tried to kill him. Oh God...
Growling, Spike shoved
the still sleeping Drusilla off of him and rose from the bed. A hand went to the
bleeding wound and he sneered, still vamped out. "A little off,
lover."
Willow shook her head
wildly, her hand trying to find the door knob. She couldn't really remember how
she had gotten here. She had been sitting on the floor of her room, trying to
come up with a way out of this, flipping through the book Giles had given
her...and then her mind had gone numb.
She had tried to kill
him. And if he died...
The reality sank in and
Willow dropped to the floor, unconscious.
"Shit..." Spike
muttered. Glancing back at Drusilla and noting that she was still asleep, he
scooped Willow into his arms and carried her out of his room and into the
library. The heavy curtains were pulled against the sun and he lowered her onto
the leather sofa then turned on a lamp.
"Wake up," he
said, none too gently as his shoulder throbbed in pain. Examining the healing
wound he realized that about half an inch farther in would have killed him.
Growling in anger, he shook Willow's shoulder.
She woke, whimpering. Her
eyes fluttered open and she saw Spike leaning over her, clutching his shoulder.
His hand was covered in blood. Terrified, she scrambled back, into a sitting
position.
Seeing her cower, Spike
scowled and forced his demon down. Snagging a chair, he sat in front of her,
listening to her breathy pants and her pounding heart.
"Want to tell me why
I shouldn't rip your throat out?"
At his harsh words,
Willow whimpered even more and wrapped herself into a ball in the corner of the
high backed couch.
Realizing that terrifying
her even more wasn't the answer, Spike sighed and wiped his bloody hand on the
ruined shirt, then crossed one leg over the other. "Okay, why did you try
to kill me? Are you that pissed off about Dru?"
Slowly Willow shook her
head, her eyes darting around the room looking for a way out.
"Are you ready to
talk to me?"
Again, she shook her
head. Tears sparkled in the corners of her eyes. All she wanted to do was go
home.
"So, why the stake,
Willow? How have we come to that point?" he asked softly, leaning forward
slightly.
"It's all gone so
wrong," she whispered bitterly. "It was supposed to be fun. Illicit
sex, a few laughs, good times."
"It can go back to
that, Willow, if you'll just let me explain about Dru."
"We can never go
back," she laughed harshly. "It was more than Drusilla, more than your
betrayal. I saw you that night. I saw you killing. You enjoyed it so much."
The words tore from her, harsh, bitter, as cold as ice.
Spike flinched and forced
himself to stay calm. "It's what I do, Willow, who I am. Maybe you should
have dealt with that a little sooner than now."
A harsh sob broke from
her and she rocked slightly. "You never brought it up and it was so much
easier just to deny the truth."
"It always is,"
he responded coldly. "So, is this it? You don't want to see me anymore
because I'm a killer?"
Willow just stared at
him, her stomach churning at the coldness in his voice, the ice glittering in
his eyes. "I don't want to talk about this. I want to go home."
Forcing herself to move, she pushed herself off the couch and edged around him.
Spike caught her, turning
her and shoving her against the door. "It isn't over, luv," he hissed
into her frightened face. "I won't let you end it like this. I love you,
whether you want to believe that or not. If you don't want to talk rationally
about it now, fine, but if you try to kill me again...well, you won't like the
consequences."
"I hate you,"
she whimpered through nearly blue lips, barely breathing from fear.
"Tough shit."
Letting her go, Spike stepped back, trying very hard to keep his anger under
control.
Too panicked to move,
Willow stared blindly at him. He was angry. What right did he have to be angry?
He had ruined her life.
"Did you know?"
she suddenly asked through tight lips. "Did you know about the consequences
when you fed on me?"
"What?"
"DID YOU?"
Spike clapped a hand
across her mouth, again pinning her to the door as he listened to see if anyone
had awakened at her yelling. When he was satisfied that all the occupants of the
mansion still slept, he looked down into her wild eyes and took his hand away.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Blood and
lust," Willow hissed.
His brows furrowed as he
remembered the research he had planned for the night. "There's something. I
don't remember anything but vague bits of legends, rumors."
"Read Clayborne's
Letters," she snapped bitterly, shoving him away. "Find out how you've
ruined my life." Yanking open the door, she fled before he could stop her,
running into the dying sunshine.
Baffled, Spike watched
her leave and slam the front door behind herself. Somewhere in the depths of his
memory he knew the truth was hidden. He had known when he had fed on
her...and...she had climaxed. There was something ...something about a bond. He
had known that much last night. A bond of blood and lust and...her death if he
died.
If that was true, if he
died that she would follow, and she knew that, why on Earth had she tried to
kill him?
A part of him still
couldn't believe she had done that.
Sadly, Spike turned from
the door and looked at the laden bookshelves. Clayborne's Letters. Well, if it
had anything to do with vampires, it would surely be here. Going to his room to
retrieve his hated wheelchair, Spike positioned it in front of the first
bookcase, and began to search.
*****
Willow reached home just
as the sun was setting, exhausted, emotionally drained, her heart thudding
heavily in her chest. The confrontation had left her feeling even more empty.
Nothing had been resolved. She hadn't been ready to face him, to talk to him.
Spike had wanted to
discuss Drusilla and the fact that he was a killer. That was so unimportant
right now. Was he telling the truth? Did he really not know about the bond?
Willow desperately wanted to believe him, to believe that he hadn't been
manipulating her the whole time, but she couldn't trust him anymore.
Tiredly she pushed open
the door to her room and found Buffy and Cordelia sitting on the bed, reading
Clayborne's Letters. Vaguely, Willow remembered removing it from her bag and
glancing at it before everything had gone blank.
Both girls jumped to
their feet and moved to embrace her. Willow sagged against them, letting them
draw her back to the bed.
"Will...we know.
Giles told us and we've been reading about it," Buffy said gently, sitting
next to Willow and brushing the hair from her face.
"We've been so
worried about you," Cordelia said, pulling the desk chair over to the bed
and sitting in front of the other two girls. "We were about to go search
for you."
"Where have you
been, Will?"
Slowly, haltingly, Willow
recounted her encounter with Spike.
"Why...why did you
try to kill him?" Buffy asked, shocked. "Giles said..."
"I know,"
Willow answered tiredly. "I don't know. I just...freaked out."
"Thank God you
failed," Cordelia said, gently touching the back of Willow's shaking hand.
Willow gave a shaky
laugh, then burst into a fresh round of tears. Sobbing wildly, she collapsed
onto the bed, curling into a ball.
Both Buffy and Cordelia
stared at her, neither knowing what to do or say to make this right.
*****
End Bitter Suite: The
Bond