by Author

Disclaimer: I'm not affliated with the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", Joss Whedon, FOX, Mutant Enemy, or Warner Brothers. I'm not receiving compensation for writing this story. I'm not affliated with the Sci-Fi Channel, the television show "Sliders", or St. Clare Productions either. I have absolutely nothing to do with the production of Power Wheels little kid vehicles or Tic-Tacs.

Part One

[The sun is rising as Cordelia and Xander run up to the outside door of the Sunnydale High Library. Cordelia begins banging on this door. A bunch of vampires round the corner after the duo.]

CORDELIA: Somebody let us in! Open up!!! (looking at Xander) How much time?

[Xander consults his watch.]

XANDER: One minute and change. Then the sun will come out complettely and they'll all be dust.

CORDELIA: (shouting) Somebody let us in!

[She notices the approaching vamps and her eyes grow wide.]

CORDELIA: Oh, no...

[In the nick of time, the sunrise is complete and the vampires, illuminated in direct sunlight, all become piles of dust. Just then, Giles opens the door and lets the teenagers in.]

GILES: What are you doing here so early in the morning?

CORDELIA: We could ask you the same thing. (popping a Tic-Tac in her mouth) Do you ever sleep at your house or should we get you a cot for the library?

[Suddenly, she begins to cough and choke. She doubles over with Xander at her side.]

CORDELIA: I can't...breathe...You better get me to a hospital.

[Like a knight rescuing a princess, Xander scoops Cordelia up in his arms and speaks determinedly.]

XANDER: Just hang on.

*       *       *

{As the opening credits roll and the theme song play, a deep, scary voice speaks.]

SCARY VOICE OVER: What if you waited a little over a year for the BtVS season premiere? What if the new episodes parodied the new Sliders episodes... ...where it's the same year, and *some* of the main characters are the same people, but everything else is different? And what if you found the lack of continuity maddening and wrote a story about it?

[The opening credits lack clips of both Giles and Willow, though the last shot is of the original cast as it was once. A whisper is heard.]

WHISPER VOICE OVER: Slayerettesss...

*       *       *

[Opening credits completed, the camera again shows the SHS library. "NOT EXACTLY GENESIS" appears on the screen in bold gold print as Xander runs around the library with Cordy in his arms.]

CORDELIA: Xander, I'm going to hurl my medically prescribed diet if you shake me one more time.

XANDER: But -- a hospital! Where's a hosp--

[Xander sets Cordelia down in a chair.]

XANDER: You're okay?

CORDELIA: I'm okay.

XANDER: (seriously) Amazing!

[Cordelia stands up and opens a suddenly-there-for-purposes-of-this-story window.]

CORDELIA: Ah, the air in L.A. is better.

[Xander shoots her an incredulous look.]

CORDELIA: Yeah, right. I was kidding. (shakes head) But things definitely are weird. I mean, today Sunnydale's not home sweet home.

[Giles laughs in his Giles-y way.]

GILES: When has it ever?

CORDELIA: (wrinkling her hose) Didn't we kill off the Professor last season?

XANDER: (acting innocent) What professor?

GILES: I'm not a professor. I'm a librarian.

CORDELIA: Whatever. You're the oldest one here, you have a British accent, and you're the father-slash-guidance figure for the main character. I'd say that makes you the guy we killed off last season. (waves slightly) Buh-bye now.

[Giles disappears. As the couple enters the hall, Xander becomes melodramatic.]

XANDER: He gave his life for me...

[Cordy smacks her boyfriend on the shoulder and he whimpers, rubbing the 'wound'.]

CORDELIA: Don't get sappy. You've been there and done that, remember?

XANDER: (brightening) Anything you say, Cordelia. Let's go to the Bronze and see if we can hook up with Willow and Buffy.

[He hears an approaching vehicle, so he pulls Cordelia into a nearby classroom.]

XANDER: Shh shh shh shh shh shh.

[They look out the window on the door and see clowns approaching in those little kid cars called Power Wheels.]

XANDER: Killer clowns.

CORDELIA: My God, what are those things?

XANDER: My worst nightmare...and soon to be yours.

*       *       *

[The pair walk into the Bronze as Xander is mid-explanation.]

XANDER: There was a clown at my sixth birthday party. Then. last year, when our nightmares came true....a clown with a knife chased me. (grinning) But I punched him down!

[They start looking around the empty Bronze.]

*       *       *

XANDER: This is where we always used to meet.

CORDELIA: There's no sign that Willow and Buffy were even here.

[A dark-haired and dark-skinned little boy pops up from behind the food counter. He's holding a water gun.]

CORDELIA: Hold it right there, kiddo.

XANDER: We're looking for a couple friends of ours. They're usually here.

KID: Yeah? What are their names?

XANDER: Buffy Summers and Willow Rosenberg.

KID: Is your name Xander?

XANDER: Xander Harris. They were here?!

KID: Yep. Check this out.

[The kid sets the water gun on the counter. He takes something out of his pocket and shows it to the couple.]

CORDELIA: That's Willow's beanie frog!

[The kid hands Xander the little green frog.]

KID: They both waitressed here. I was the DJ. Everyone calls me 'Smart Guy'. Um, where was I? Oh, yeeeah. I was the DJ... ...until the Killer KroClowns came and overran us. Willow said to give you that stuffed animal if you showed up.

XANDER: All that happened over summer vacation?! (shakes head) Where are they now?!

KID: I don't know. Probably either alive or dead.

CORDELIA: Like there are any other options?

KID: The clowns must have got them. Me and Lauren, the third waitress, hid below when they raided us. When we came back up, everyone was gone.

CORDELIA: We kinda need more info that that, loser, so why don't you take us below and introduce us to Lauren? Maybe she knows something you don't.

KID: Okay.

*       *       *

[The trio walks downstairs to the hidden room. The kid motions to a young strawberry blonde clad in a black crocheted top and black jeans. Then he motions back to Cordelia and Xander.]

KID: These two are the ones Buffy and Willow told us about.

LAUREN: Danny, I told you no one gets down here.

XANDER: (looking at the kid) Ah, Smart Guy's name is Danny, mmm?

LAUREN: (sighing and looking at the other girl) You Cordy?


LAUREN: Willow said you were a -- snob.

CORDELIA: I bet she did.

XANDER: Um, Xander...is me. Hi. Do you know where our friends are?

LAUREN: Not really. The clowns attacked hard and fast. Some were killed, but your friends weren't, so they must have been taken.

[Xander's stomach growls loudly.]

LAUREN: You two look hungry, so why don't you sit down?

[Lauren grabs some granola bars and tosses one to Xander and one to Cordelia.]

XANDER: When did the clowns come?

LAUREN: Not long after Buffy came back to town.

[Xander's sniff of the granola bar reveals that it is stale. Cordelia, on the other hand, is eating the snack.]

LAUREN: L.A., San Fran...The big cities fell first. You've never seen weapons like theirs -- snakes in a can, balloon giraffe...the whole bag of circus party tricks. Within a few days, they were in a complete control. We hid in here. There a re a few other shelters around. So much for friendly clowns.

XANDER: They aren't friendly. They're scary.

LAUREN: Well, duh! (sitting down) How do you know so much about them?

XANDER: We've -- I've seen them before.

[Xander gulps and throws the granola bar over his shoulder.]

XANDER: We've got to find our friends. (shrug) I don't have the foggiest idea what's happened to them or what's going on, but we've got to find them.

LAUREN: All right. If they're here in town, they're probably in what the clowns call the fun factory. We know a guy who can hack their system.

CORDELIA: Where do we find him?

LAUREN: You don't...not without me. I'll go call him.

[She leaves.]

*       *       *

[Xander's still sitting at the table, looking distraught. Cordelia comes up and hugs him from behind.]

CORDELIA: We have to be positive, Xander. We can't find them if we don't expect to.

XANDER: Why are you talking like that?

CORDELIA: (reverting back to her normal self) I don't know.

XANDER: Two years of slaying vampires...more monsters than I can count...and I go gallavanting around Europe with you and your family during vacation and leave them with this!

CORDELIA: When we find them, ask them if they're mad at you. You know what the answer's going to be.

[Xander jumps to his feet.]

XANDER: It'll be a yes! A big, fat, spankin' yes!

[He regains his composure and calmly sits back down.]

XANDER: Or maybe not.

*       *       *

[A few minutes later, Lauren and Danny are leading Xander and Cordelia out of the Bronze. Vehicles can be heard approaching.]

LAUREN: Listen. Power Wheels! Let's go.

[A water balloon is thrown from a side alley. It whacks Danny, who immediately falls. Lauren pulls Xander and Cordelia towards a building across the street.]

XANDER: We can't just leave him out there.

LAUREN: He's wet. Also, he's annoying. Let him dry off.

XANDER: You can't be certain-- v LAUREN: What, you want to join him?!

[Xander looks at his precious threads and mumbles. The trio enter the building and walk towards the familiar-looking young man at the computer.]

LAUREN: Hey, Comp-Sci Guy! These are friends of Willow and Buffy.

OZ: (looks up) Oh my gosh!

[His chin literally drops.]

LAUREN: You know each other?

[Xander, Oz, and even Cordelia have a group hug.] v LAUREN: I'll take that as a yes.

[The hug ends.]

XANDER: Since when can you hack, Oz?

OZ: Well, Willow taught me stuff...before she was taken.

XANDER: Where is Willow...and Buffy? Where are they now?

[Oz sits in his swivel chair and pulls up a screen on his computer.]

OZ: Buffy's at the fun factory.

CORDELIA: At least she's alive.

XANDER: What about Willow?

OZ: No files on her. No current listing. I check every single day, but...nothing. We don't know where she is. There's camps all over.

LAUREN: Tracking her could be hard, y'all.

OZ: The worst part is...the clowns value women as breeders.

CORDELIA: Now I'm *really* gonna hurl.

OZ: Breeders or magician's assistants... Hey, alive is alive. She could be inside but not in the files.

XANDER: Okay. Why don't we break into this factory place? We'll just pretend to be civilian workers.

OZ: Blueprints! (points to screen) I'll make ya some faux ID's.

CORDELIA: Can you, um, download this?

OZ: You mean print it?

CORDELIA: Whatever.

[The printer whirrs and spits out a copy. Oz hands Cordelia the paper.]

OZ: Here you go.

CORDELIA: (dryly) Thanks.

XANDER: We owe you!

[Xander, Lauren, and Cordelia start walking out when Xander turns around and points to Oz.]

XANDER: Hey! Why aren't you coming with us?

[Now it's Oz's turn to shrug.]

OZ: It's not in the script.

XANDER: 'Kay. Bye.

[He follows the two girls out.]

*       *       *

[After dropping by a costume rental shop--which is somehow still open and getting costumers in the midst of this takeover--Xander, Lauren, and Cordelia walk to the edifice called the fun factory in their brightly colored clown outfits. Compact in hand, Cordelia helps Xander put on his red foam nose as guards approach the trio.]

XANDER: I cannot believe we have to wear these things. (glances in compact mirror) Aah!!!

[He takes a deep breath. He spots the approaching guards.]

XANDER: Stay calm...

[At about six feet tall, a KroClown towers over Cordy with a wide grin.]

XANDER: Um, hey, don't get too close. She's sick. Allergies making her snee--

[Meanwhile, Cordelia coughs.]

XANDER: --cough. And she's got a rash all over.

[Cordy gives Xander a dirty look. The trio produce their Oz-made fake ID's. The clowns nod in approval and point them towards the building. As the guards leave them, Cordy manages to snag the dangling key marked 'OFFICE' from the tall clown's back pocket. The three humans rush into the building with Xander unfolding the printout of the blueprints.]

CORDELIA: On the blueprints there, it says Buffy's in the solitary cells, right?

[Xander nods and fluffs his wig, which is made out of orange yarn.]

CORDELIA: Let's go.

[Soon Cordelia uses the key to open the proper door. The three walk into a room of cubicles. They walk up and down the rows.]

XANDER: Buffy! Buffy Summmmmmers! Buffs! (spotting the Slayer and running to her) Buff! It's Xander!

[Xander tried to hug her, but Buffy pushes him away--hard. He slams into a wall and then rubs his aching shoulder.]

BUFFY: No! No! No!

CORDELIA: Buffy, chill. We came to get you out. Oh, wait. Should I be whispering? Nah.

XANDER: Look at me! It's Xander!

[Buffy, who is wearing a long sequined teal gown that would make a beauty pageant contest green with envy, covers her eyes. She is seated in a chair at her personal cubicle.]

BUFFY: No! You balloon-animal-making, mind-game-playing clowns!

[Xander takes off his wig and foam nose and bends down to look Buffy in the eyes.]

XANDER: Listen to me. You--you just up and left us during finals week without telling anyone....but that's a different story. And--and we all tried looking for you...but that's another different story. Then Cordy and her folks, we went on a vacation for peace of mind, and--and we just came back to town today. Look at me. Remember the first day you came to Sunnydale High? I was helping you pick up everything, and you left behind a stake. How would I know that if I wasn't the one and only Alexander LaVelle Harris, girl?

[Cordelia nods encouragingly. Buffy bursts into tears and hugs Xander.]

BUFFY: Xander, I'm sorry.

XANDER: It's okay. (standing up) Now where's Willow?

BUFFY: (also standing) I don't know. We were taken together, but once we got here, we were split up. Rumor has it they took her somewhere else.

CORDELIA: We'll find her, Xander. Just believe that.

BUFFY: (taken aback) Optimistic much? That's certainly out of character.

XANDER: I like your newfound sense of support, Cordelia, but I have no idea where it is coming from.

CORDELIA: Neither do I, but hey, I guess it's how I am now.

LAUREN: Yeah, sweet reunion, violins in the background. Can we go before we're caught?

[Buffy didn't see Lauren before she spoke, apparently.]

BUFFY: Lauren! (hugging her)

LAUREN: Couldn't let the clowns keep you here. Hurry and put these on.

[Lauren hands her a clown costume, which Buffy quickly manages to get on over her sparkly dress. She then dons the wig and nose Cordelia tosses to her. The Slayer looks down at herself and groans.]

BUFFY: Does this outfit make me look fat?

CORDELIA: A-hahaha-ha-ha-ha--Hey!

[Cordelia's laughter ends when Xander elbows her. The quartet leave the office and are traveling down a corridor to the exit when a bright light blinds them. Xander squints and shades his eyes by placing his hand on his forehead. He gasps when he recognizes the woman walking towards him.]


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