Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

by

Rob Des Hotel

&

Dean Batali

WRITER'S FIRST DRAFT

8/7/96

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

CLOSE ON: A VAMPIRE'S FACE

Snarling in full attach mode: vicious, angry, bloodthirsty.

A CONVERSE-CLAD FOOT SMASHES squarely on the vampire's face, knocking him back in a daze.

ANGLE: BUFFY

She leaps into the air, grabs on to the branch of a tree, and swings up and over, kicking the vampire away.

She drops down, breaks a smaller branch off the tree, and uses the sharp end to kill the vampire.

ANOTHER VAMPIRE tries to run away. Buffy does a triple-backwards-somersault and lands right in front

of him.

BUFFY

I don't think we've been properly introduced.

I'm Buffy, and you are --

In a flash, she grabs a stake from her belt and plunges it into the vampire's heart.

BUFFY

--history.

She puts her hands on her hips and surveys the carnage. She smiles, satisfied. Her job is done.

Then, from off-screen:

GILES (O.C.)

Poor technique. Prioritization, sub-par.

Buffy's smile fades as GILES pops up from behind a tombstone. He is holding a notebook, checking things

off.

GILES

Execution was adequate, but a bit too bloody for my taste.

BUFFY

Oh, Giles, don't mention it. It was my pleasure to make

the world safe for humanity again.

GILES

I'm not saying your methods are without merit,

but you're expending far too much time and energy.

(demonstrating)

It should simply be ‘plunge' and move on; ‘plunge' and move on.

BUFFY

If it's that easy, why weren't you doing it. Oh, that's right.

You were busy cowering behind a tombstone.

GILES

This isn't about me, it's about you.

It is about how there are traditions that a slayer needs to follow.

BUFFY

Tradition is yesterday's news. I'm an improv gal.

How about when I offed the first couple of V's with a single stake?

It was, ‘Slay one, kill one free.'

GILES

Ah, yes. Showing off. Yet another example of

how you're not going by the book.

BUFFY

The book. You mean that old dusty thing that's

been out of print for two thousand years?

GILES

The old ways have much to teach us.

If you insist on ignoring the fundamentals handed down

through history, you could find yourself in serious danger.

Buffy turns away, indicating her field of victory.

BUFFY

Gee, perhaps we should review what happened here.

Let's start with ‘I killed them all.'

ANGLE: GILES

A VAMPIRE is right behind him.

Buffy turns around, sees the vampire, FIRES A STAKE at it.

Giles watches in horror as the stake zooms toward him, then grazes past, hitting the vampire directly in the

heart.

BUFFY

Any questions?

BLACKOUT.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. CHURCH ALTAR

In the darkness, TWO FIGURES approach the altar and kneel.

ANGLE: FROM BEHIND

TILT UP to REVEAL they kneel before a lifesize portrait of the Master, who towers above in all his

glorious darkness.

ANGLE: THE TWO KNEELING FIGURES

Their heads are bowed in reverence.

MASTER (O.C.)

Raise your eyes to your Master.

The kneelers look up and WE SEE they are VAMPIRES.

ANGLE: THE PORTRAIT

The Master's image appears to shift as if coming alive. The form pushes out, emanating towards us. The

Master dissolves out of the canvas in a shroud of flowing garments and floats to the ground. He stands

before the vampires.

MASTER

Soon it will be upon us, a day which has

been spoken of for thousands of years.

PULL BACK to REVEAL we are in THE MASTER'S LAIR.

MASTER

I bestow each of you with a noble distinction,

for you will take part in this wonderful victory.

HENCHMAN #1

We are honored, Master.

MASTER

Amongst the living, there will shortly

be arriving a significant assemblage of souls.

He dips his hand into the marble baptismal font which stands on the altar.

MASTER

One of these will have a greater impact on our purpose

than any who have come before. You must make him

one of us tonight so that tomorrow he can descend and fulfill his destiny.

He touches a thumb to one of the vampire's lips.

MASTER

For it is written, ‘Seven will rise and one will live... to free the Master.'

He touches a thumb to the other vampire's lips.

ANGLE: THE VAMPIRES

REVEAL the Master has blessed them with blood.

MASTER

Ours is a glorious future. May nothing stand in our way.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

CLOSE ON: BUFFY

She looks confused.

BUFFY

This is spooky.

REVEAL she is in the cafeteria line.

BUFFY

Is the green stuff fruit, or vegetable?

CAFETERIA WORKER

Yes.

BUFFY

I'll take it.

A scoop of green slop plops onto her tray as Buffy moves on. XANDER and WILLOW are in line behind

her.

XANDER

(examining food)

I was guessing string cheese.

A student holding a tray bumps into Buffy. This is CHAMBERS, an attractive, conservative- looking guy

with definite Lacoste leanings.

CHAMBERS

Sorry.

Buffy looks up at him. She's not annoyed at all.

BUFFY

No damage.

Chambers moves off.

WILLOW

You luck.

BUFFY

What?

WILLOW

He was all over you.

BUFFY

Chambers? He just bumped into me.

WILLOW

Please. There was definite hip-to-hip contact.

XANDER

I hope you used protection.

Buffy sees Chambers sit at the table alone.

BUFFY

Aw, look at him.

WILLOW

He's all alone.

XANDER

Gee, wonder why? Could it be the ‘I was a teenage mannequin' look?

BUFFY

Okay, so as a type, he's not exactly my proto.

I just think maybe someone should sit by him.

WILLOW

But who?

BUFFY

Might have to be us.

WILLOW

Looks like it.

BUFFY

You know, just to be friendly.

XANDER

Boy, are you two being taken on a tour.

Am I the only one who can see through

his good looks and the pleasant demeanor

to behold the sick, perverted deviant within?

He turns and sees that Buffy and Willow are already half-way to Chambers' table.

XANDER

You don't have to answer right away.

ANGLE: THE TABLE

BUFFY

(over-doing it)

Willow, wherever will we sit?

(then, noticing)

Oh, I guess this will have to do.

As Buffy is about to sit, CORDELIA appears.

CORDELIA

Hey, look. An empty seat.

She knocks Buffy to the floor. Buffy's tray takes flight. Cordelia sits at the table and turns to Chambers,

but he's not there. He is helping Buffy.

CHAMBERS

(to Buffy)

You okay?

BUFFY

Yeah. Boy, her hips are wider than I thought.

CHAMBERS

(helping her up)

At least now you don't have to eat the creamed corn.

(then)

I'm Chambers.

BUFFY

(feigning ignorance)

Oh, it's so nice to finally learn your name. I'm--

CHAMBERS

Buffy. We're in algebra together.

BUFFY

With Mr. McKamy.

CHAMBERS

The one and lonely.

BUFFY

Tell me, how does he manage to get chalk dust all over his--

CHAMBERS

I try not to think about that.

BUFFY

(gesturing)

This is my friend, Willow.

WILLOW

(babbling)

I took algebra last year because I'm a year ahead,

so now I'm taking pre-calculus which is really hard,

but I'm in the gifted class, well, my parents signed

me up for it, how embarrassing is that, and maybe

I should get a janitor to take care of this mess.

(as she goes off)

Clean up on aisle seven!

Cordelia pulls Chambers back down to his seat.

CORDELIA

Poor girl always forgets to take her medication.

(then)

Hey, Chambers, a bunch of us are loitering

at the Bronze tonight. You there?

CHAMBERS

Sounds hopeful. Who all's going?

CORDELIA

Well, there's me.

CHAMBERS

Oh. Who else?

CORDELIA

You mean besides me?

CHAMBERS

Buffy, what about you?

BUFFY

(caught off-guard)

What?

CORDELIA

No, she doesn't--

CHAMBERS

(to Buffy)

How about we meet there at eight?

Cordelia glares at Buffy.

BUFFY

Yeah. Eight. There.

(then)

I should probably get another lunch that isn't so... on the floor.

CHAMBERS

(getting up)

I'll go with you. Cordelia, save our seats?

They head off, leaving Cordelia fuming.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS - DAY

The end of the school day. Students file out as Buffy and Willow come down the steps.

BUFFY

Willow, it's not that big a deal.

It's just a bunch of people getting together.

I mean, sure, Chambers asked me specifically

right in front of Cordelia. And, yeah, he gave

me the marshmallows from his Jell-o during l

unch. And then he walked me to History class

and said ‘I can't wait to see you tonight.'

WILLOW

I guess I blew it way out of proportion.

BUFFY

All right, it's a big deal. Did you notice how the

corners of his mouth curled up when he chewed?

WILLOW

I missed that. I was too busy looking down and to the left of his 501 label.

BUFFY

I'd like to see an IMAX of that.

(stops herself)

Wait a minute.

WILLOW

What's wrong?

BUFFY

If you listen real close, I'm starting to sound like

a regular teenager. I've got friends. I've got a date.

All I need now are zits and an eating disorder.

GILES comes up to them.

GILES

Good afternoon, ladies.

BUFFY

Although I should probably do something about that

supernatural ability to destroy the undead.

GILES

I'm under the impression there's some sort of ironic tone in

that statement, but as an Englishman I'm incapable of discerning it.

BUFFY

Yeah? Well, that makes us even, because I don't get Benny Hill.

GILES

In any case, that supernatural ability, which you

should cherish and treasure, if I might add--

BUFFY

You always do.

GILES

--is needed tonight.

BUFFY

Close the beach on that idea. I've got a very

big meeting tonight with -- okay, let's just

call him what he is -- a god.

GILES

Oh, no. You have much more urgent business to attend to.

BUFFY

More urgent than me moving past ‘Buffy, The Celibate Years'? I don't think so.

GILES

My books tell of a major event occurring on the

evening of the 1,000th day after the Septugian Sunset. That's tonight.

WILLOW

Already? Seems like just last week was the 1,000th

day after the last Septugian Sunset. Where does the time go?

GILES

According to my calculations, we are due for a fresh

rising of vampires. It is prophesied:

(reading from his notebook)

‘On that day, seven souls will be captures into the darkness.

And the Master will look upon one of them and be pleased.'

BUFFY

Too bad, because I looked upon Chambers

and was very pleased.

GILES

The slayer must be present tonight.

Your responsibilities to the world are paramount.

BUFFY

(pleading)

But... cute guy. Teenager. Post-pubescent fantasies.

GILES

You'll have to put those on hold. For tonight, we do battle!

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY - THAT NIGHT

The cemetery is stone QUIET as Buffy and Giles sit there, bored. Crickets chirp.

Buffy finishes off a huge soda with a SLURP.

GILES

Perhaps I miscalculated.

BUFFY

I'm thinking yes.

GILES

I was so sure.

(then)

Well, you know what they say.

BUFFY

Not really.

GILES

Ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is waiting.

BUFFY

You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

GILES

Oh, well. At least we were here at the ready,

so it wasn't a completely wasted evening.

BUFFY

Yes, Giles, it was. But that's okay. I'm sure

I'll have another shot at teenage happiness someday.

Like when I'm thirty.

GILES

Come now. What you consider a curse, others would

call a gift. Be thankful you're not burdened with trivial

matters like what to wear to next month's hay dance.

BUFFY

I wish I could worry about trivial things.

And not that you'd care, but I'm thinking gingham.

(gathering her things)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might still have a chance

to salvage the remains of my dating career.

GILES

I needn't warn you about the dangers of becoming

personally involved with someone who is unaware

of your unique condition.

BUFFY

Yeah, yeah. I've read the back of the box.

GILES

If your identity as the slayer is revealed,

it could put you and those around you in grave danger.

BUFFY

Oh, then in that case I won't wear my button

that says ‘I'm a Slayer - As Me How!'

She WALKS OFF in one direction. WE FOLLOW an airport shuttle fan driving in the other direction.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - NIGHT

There is a DRIVER and SIX PASSENGERS: A NEWLYWED COUPLE, A MOTHER and her

EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON, AN OLD MAN, and a MEAN-LOOKING, TATTOED, MIDDLE- AGED

GUY who looks like he just stepped off the cover of ‘Militia Monthly' magazine.

The boy anxiously turns to his mother.

BOY

When are we going to get on the airplane?

MOTHER

We'll be there in just a few minutes.

The boy turns around and kneels on the seat, getting right in the face of the militia guy behind him.

BOY

(excitedly)

We're going to Tacoma!

The militia guy sneers at the boy.

MOTHER

(sitting her son back down)

Leave the man alone, honey.

ANGLE: THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD

as the van comes up behind a slow-moving EIGHTEEN WHEELER.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The van's blinker flashes. It moves to the left to pass. The truck VEERS IN FRONT, blocking the

pathway. The van goes back into its lane. The truck does the same.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

DRIVER

Oh, boy, you're beautiful!

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

They drive on for a bit. The van tries again, changing lanes -- quickly this time -- and again the truck won't

let it pass. The van brakes and jerks back into its own lane.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

DRIVER

I don't believe it. I don't believe it!

He honks his horn.

DRIVER

I'm in no mood to play games. Let's go!

DRIVER'S POV:

The TRUCKER puts his hand out the window and waves for the van to pass.

DRIVER

Well, it's about time, Charlie.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

The van accelerates and begins to pull alongside the truck.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

DRIVER'S POV:

The lights of the PICK-UP TRUCK shine directly at him.

ANGLE: THE HORRIFIED VAN DRIVER

as he jerks the wheel to avoid a collision.

CUT TO:

Sparks fly as it skids into a ditch.

The van rests in mangled silence as the wheels slowly turn.

ANGLE: THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER

It comes to a stop on the side of the road. The door opens, and WEE SEE the boots of the trucker as he

steps onto the ground. TILT UP to see the truck driver is one of the vampire henchmen from the Master's

lair. The other henchman comes around from the passenger side.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The passengers are bloody but alive.

DRIVER

Is everyone okay?

MOTHER

The door's stuck.

They are start screaming for help.

ANGLE: THE MILITIA GUY

He is growing more agitated as the screaming continues.

MILITIA GUY

(exploding)

Shut up!

Everyone goes quiet.

MILITIA GUY

I think someone's coming.

They all listen and hear FOOTSTEPS approaching.

DRIVER

We're going to be okay.

CUT TO:

EXT. VAN - LONG SHOT

From the distance, we SEE the van rocking and being torn apart and HEAR the sounds of vampires

feasting. The passenger's screams FADE OFF into the night as we:

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BRONZE - NIGHT

Establishing, as heavy, loud music FADES IN.

A poster advertises the bad: ‘HARRY MORGAN'S TEMPER'

CUT TO:

INT. BRONZE - CONTINUOUS

Buffy walks in and looks around. She stops short.

ANGLE: CHAMBERS AND CORDELIA

Dancing wildly to the throbbing beat. She pulls him close.

ANGLE: BUFFY

Standing there. If she had a cake, this would take it.

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY

Buffy SLAMS her locker door, REVEALING Xander beside her.

XANDER

So you just went home?

BUFFY

What was I supposed to do? Say to Chambers,

‘Sorry I'm late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the

librarian waiting for some vampires to rise so that

I could slam a few stakes into their hearts but it

was a false alarm so now, hey, let's dance'?

XANDER

(weighing this with his hands)

Or... flat tire.

BUFFY

Giles should come with a Surgeon General's warning:

may be hazardous to Buffy's social life. He's completely

not cognizant. It's as if he's never even been on a date.

XANDER

Distinct possibility.

BUFFY

I can't take this anymore. I feel like everyone's

staring at me, the hideous dateless monster.

A STUDENT walks past. Buffy tears into him.

BUFFY

That's right, I have no life. Move along, pal. Nothing to see here.

The student scurries on.

XANDER

You're reacting a little overly, aren't you?

Everyone likes you. I bet you could have any guy in the school.

BUFFY

That's a nice thing to say. You're a good friend.

Chambers comes up to them.

CHAMBERS

Hey, Buffy.

BUFFY

(brightening)

Chambers.

XANDER

Oh, look, it's Chambers. Buffy and Chambers.

And Xander. That'd be me.

Xander moves aside and begins rummaging through his locker.

CHAMBERS

Where were you last night?

BUFFY

(rambling)

Oh, I, uh... broke my watch, and we don't have any

clocks in our house, so I didn't know what time it was,

actually, I didn't even know what day it was.

Was that last night? I'm sorry.

CHAMBERS

How about we try again for tonight?

I'll even lend you my watch.

Behind them, Xander rolls his eyes, trying not to gag.

BUFFY

Tonight? You and me?

CHAMBERS

We could invite the chess club, but you know,

they drink a lot.

BUFFY

Well, no, it's just I kind of heard that you and Cordelia

were somewhat... all over each other. A little.

CHAMBERS

I just danced with her a couple of times. She was there

all alone. I felt sorry for her.

Xander ‘finds' something in his locker.

XANDER

Yay! I've been looking for this pen cap for weeks.

BUFFY

Tonight.

(calculating in her head)

Let's see, if I rearrange, and move that to next week,

and then shift that to -- sure. Tonight'll work.

CHAMBERS

I'll pick you up at seven.

BUFFY

Seven.

CHAMBERS

(handing Buffy his watch; pointing)

That's when the little hand's here.

BUFFY

(playing along)

Ah, right between the six and the eight.

CHAMBERS

See you then.

He walks off.

BUFFY

(to Xander)

Tonight! Isn't that so?

XANDER

(fake chipper)

Oh, yeah. I'm sure you and Gaggy Von Gaggenheimer

will have a great time.

BUFFY

Come on, be happy for me.

XANDER

This is me being happy. You should see me Christmas

morning. I barely even crack a smile. But I'm all

sugar plums dancing on the inside.

CUT TO:

INT. THE MASTER'S LAIR

The Master is with his two henchmen. He pops the cork off of a champagne bottle and pours the contents

into glasses.

MASTER

You have done excellent work.

HENCHMAN #1

It is your generosity which allows us to be a part

of such an historical occurrence.

The Master hands each henchman a glass.

REVEAL the glasses are filled with blood. They all drink.

MASTER

Everything is happening as was foretold.

But there is one final task you must perform.

The Master gestures to an ancient-looking book which sits on a table before the henchmen. The book

opens under its own power. Page after page turns, eventually landing on one.

ANGLE: FROM HIGH ABOVE

SLOWLY ZOOM IN on the book as the Master continues to speak.

MASTER

It has been presaged that the special one will bring

with him strengths and powers drawn from the deepest

darkness. Deliver him to me as soon as he has risen.

The page now FILLS THE SCREEN. We see an illustration of a warrior's face, obscured by fire. Beneath

this, in ancient script: ‘...AND THE CHOSEN ONE WILL SET THE MASTER FREE.'

CUT TO:

INT. BUFFY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Buffy is getting ready for her date. Xander and Willow are there. Willow holds up to outfits for Buffy to

choose.

WILLOW

Pick.

BUFFY

Let's see. Do I want to appear shy, coy and naïve,

or do I go unrestrained, insatiable and aggressive.

XANDER

You know, Chambers is a little homespun.

He probably doesn't like that overly-assertive look.

(looking in her closet)

Hey, here's something. A nice, comfy overcoat.

He pulls a drab, floor-length overcoat out of her closet. He reaches for something else.

XANDER

And this ski cap. The earflaps will bring out your eyes.

BUFFY

(to Willow)

I think I'll mix-n-match.

(then)

Xander, guy's opinion.

(she uncaps two lipsticks)

Which one do you think Chambers will like better?

XANDER

Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his

friends how easy you are so that the whole school

loses respect for you and talks behind your back?

The red's good.

BUFFY

Thanks. I'll go with the peach.

WILLOW

(handing Buffy some clothes)

Put this on.

They stare at Xander a beat.

XANDER

You're not bothering me.

Willow turns Xander around as Buffy changes into her outfit. As Willow and Buffy talk, Xander tries to get

a glimpse of Buffy's reflection in the doorknob.

WILLOW

So, where's the taking you?

BUFFY

I don't know. Where do you suppose the

young kids are going on dates these days?

WILLOW

Well, I read somewhere that sometimes they go to movies.

BUFFY

Movies. Interesting.

XANDER

And once on TV I saw a bunch of people our age at a party.

BUFFY

Wow. I never knew being a teenager was so full of possibilities.

The DOORBELL rings.

BUFFY

That's Chambers!

CUT TO:

EXT. PORCH - A SECOND LATER

Buffy opens the door. Xander and Willow stand in the hallway behind her.

BUFFY

That's Giles.

ANGLE: GILES

GILES

Tonight is absolutely the night.

BUFFY

I'm not home.

She starts to close the door. He stops her.

GILES

The prophecy is happening. Look.

He flips open a newspaper. The headline reads: ‘SEVEN DIE IN VAN ACCIDENT.'

GILES

My theory was correct. Seven people were killed last night.

BUFFY

(as if to a child)

Yeah. In a car crash.

GILES

Those deaths were forecast more than three thousand

years ago. And listen to this.

(reading newspaper)

‘Also among the dead was Andrew Borba, whom police

had been pursuing for months in connection with a series of brutal assaults.'

(then)

That's the one the Master is waiting for. He is set to

rise with the others tonight. My calculations make me sure of it.

BUFFY

You were sure of it last night.

You showed me charts and drafts and calendars.

GILES

(hangs his head)

I forgot about leap year.

XANDER

Of all the luck. A vampire uprising on the night of

your big date. Isn't that always the way?

BUFFY

Not tonight it ain't.

GILES

Buffy, you have to believe me--

BUFFY

You expect me to buy into your open-to-interpretation

interpretation when you can't even remember to carry the four?

GILES

You must answer your calling.

BUFFY

Last night I answered it and they put me on hold.

Chambers comes up the walk carrying a carnation.

CHAMBERS

Hey, guys.

(re: Giles)

What's Dewey Decimal doing here?

BUFFY

Oh. He's, uh, out promoting Bookmobile awareness.

We call him gruff but lovable Giles. But enough about him.

What's the plan?

CHAMBERS

What are your thoughts on bowling.

BUFFY

If it gets me off this doorstep, I'm for it.

She pushes past Giles.

GILES

So you're just going to go.

BUFFY

If you say so.

GILES

You're just going to ignore the fact that you've

been chosen and have a destiny to fulfill.

Willow and Xander, on alert, pull Chambers away from the conversation.

WILLOW

Uh, Chambers--

XANDER

Yeah. A couple of things about tonight.

Buffy and Giles continue to argue in hushed tones during the following.

CHAMBERS

What is it? She's not into bowling?

XANDER

Well, it's too late to do anything about that.

But you should probably know Buffy doesn't

like to be kissed. Actually, she doesn't even like to be touched.

WILLOW

Xander...

XANDER

As a matter of fact, don't even look at her.

She really hates that.

CHAMBERS

You know what? I'll just kind of let Buffy lead.

XANDER

Oh, she can't stand that most of all.

Giles and Buffy's argument grows louder.

GILES

All right, then. I don't need you. This is a subject

on which I am well versed. I've spent night after

night in that library reading book after book after book--

BUFFY

On the plus side, you've missed the career of Sheryl Crow.

GILES

One of us has to take your obligation seriously,

and if it's not going to be you, then I'll go do it alone.

BUFFY

Fine. It should be very exciting for you

doing absolutely nothing all by yourself.

GILES

Ha! What you fail to realize is that that's what I do best!

He storms off. Buffy clenches her fists and groans angrily, then turns to Chambers.

BUFFY

(sweetly)

Okay, all set!

(to Xander and Willow)

Don't wait up.

Buffy and Chambers start down the walk.

CHAMBERS

What was all that stuff he was saying about

being ‘chosen' and having a ‘destiny'?

BUFFY

He's grooming me to be the next librarian.

Xander and Willow watch them go.

WILLOW

This is bad.

XANDER

I wish it was just bad.

WILLOW

We're going to have to take steps.

XANDER

Yep. We've got to follow Buffy and Chambers.

I do not trust that guy.

WILLOW

Xander, we have to go with Giles. He could get into trouble.

XANDER

Oh, he'll be fine. He's like SuperLibrarian. Everyone forgets,

Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

Willow gives him a look.

XANDER

All right, all right. But if Buffy shows up at school

tomorrow married with three children, you're going to look pretty stupid.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT

WE FOLLOW a bowling ball down an alley and into some pins.

ANGLE: CHAMBERS

who reacts to the shot.

CHAMBERS

Yes!

He walks back to the score table where Buffy is sitting.

CHAMBERS

Picked up the spare.

Buffy absent-mindedly twirls a pencil.

CHAMBERS

Buffy?

BUFFY

(startled)

What? Oh, sorry.

CHAMBERS

Are you okay?

BUFFY

I'm just... thinking about what Giles said.

CHAMBERS

I guess the thing you've got to ask yourself is,

is that what you really want to be?

BUFFY

(taken aback)

What?

CHAMBERS

A librarian?

BUFFY

Oh. Not even.

CHAMBERS

Well, there you go.

BUFFY

(brightening somewhat)

You know, you're right. I do go there. Thanks.

She grabs a ball.

BUFFY

Now how do you do this again?

He gets behind her, showing her how to hold the ball.

CHAMBERS

Like this. And if it goes in the gutter, don't worry.

It takes a long time to get good at this.

Forgetting her own strength, Buffy sends the ball rocketing down the lane. It nearly pulverizes the pins.

CHAMBERS

Keep at it. It'll come to you.

Buffy goes to sit. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a MAN in the next lane pull the hair back from a

WOMAN'S NECK and start to move in close.

BUFFY

Hey!

She starts towards him.

ANGLE: THE WOMAN

She smiles as the man innocently kisses her on the neck. They look up and see Buffy standing there,

frozen.

BUFFY

Oh. I'm sorry. I couldn't help but notice your... shoes.

They're just like mine. Okay. That's all.

Buffy turns away, embarrassed.

She looks up and sees an ELDERLY WOMAN walk into the shadow of a doorway, followed by a

MYSETERIOUS LOOKING GUY -- light skin, dark hair, dark clothing.

BUFFY

Look out!

Buffy hurdles over the ball rack, leaps into the doorway, and grabs the guy. She throws him to the ground

and puts her knee on his chest, raising a fist to strike.

MYSTERIOUS LOOKING GUY

(frightened)

Go ahead! You can use it first!

He holds a quarter up to her, terrified.

REVEAL a pay phone on the wall, which the woman is using.

In the light, Buffy realizes this guy is no vampire. He's just very pale, with a widow's peak and a fondness

for the wardrobe stylings of Johnny Cash.

BUFFY

I am so begging your forgiveness. It's just that with

your hair and your clothes and... you're so pale.

MYESTERIOUS LOOKING GUY

I know. People always mistake me for Butch Patrick.

She helps the guy up and brushes him off. Buffy turns and sees that Chambers is there. He looks at her,

concerned.

CHAMBERS

Did you want to go somewhere else?

BUFFY

No, are you kidding? I am loving the bowling thing!

You got your ball, you got your pins. No wonder it's

America's second favorite indoor activity. You're up.

Chambers starts toward the lane. Buffy gathers herself.

BUFFY

(to herself)

Okay, Buff, say hi to reality.

Absolutely nothing is going to happen tonight.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

Giles is sitting on a tombstone. Before him is a collection of vampire-slaying paraphernalia: a large,

holy-looking book, a couple stakes, some garlic, a cross, etc.

All is quiet.

Giles checks his watch, looks around a bit, gets up, and starts to put his things in his bag. As he turns to go,

one of the vampire henchmen drops down in front of him, baring his fangs.

Giles jumps back, then regains his composure.

GILES

(confidently)

You don't frighten me.

He reaches into his bag and dramatically pulls out a string of garlic.

GILES

I've studied your kind for years. I'll just go by the book.

The other vampire henchmen drops down behind him.

GILES

We're gonna need a bigger book.

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT TWO

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

by

Rob Des Hotel

&

Dean Batali

WRITER'S FIRST DRAFT

8/7/96

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. CEMETERY - CONTINUOUS

The vampires snarl at Giles as he backs away.

GILES

I didn't want to have to do this,

but I'm afraid you gentlemen leave me with no alternative.

He stares them down for a beat, then tosses the garlic at the vampires. They recoil. Giles RUNS towards

the MORTUARY in the distance.

CUT TO:

INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

Giles runs into a room and locks the door behind him. He looks around. He is in:

THE MORTUARY. There are tables for dressing the bodies,>

Transfer interrupted!

table of urns, floral funeral arrangements and wardrobe racks. Drawers for the bodies line every wall.

Giles leans against the door and breathes a sigh of relief: he is safe. He looks across the room and sees

another door.

GILES' POV: THE DOORKNOB STARTS TO JIGGLE.

GILES

(clutching his bag, calling out)

I've got another clove and I'm not afraid to use it!

XANDER (O.C.)

Giles, it's us!

WILLOW (O.C.)

Willow and Xander!

GILES

Thank heavens you're here.

XANDER (O.C.)

What can we do to help? Whatever you need, just name it.

GILES

I'm being hunted down by a team of vampires.

There is a long beat, then:

XANDER (O.C.)

We'll go get Buffy.

GILES

That would be good.

Their footsteps fade as they run off.

Giles looks around. It is silent. He nervously peers out the small window in the door that he first came in.

A vampire's face APPEARS on the other side.

Giles jumps back, then moves to barricade the door as the vampires begin pounding to get in.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT

Xander and Willow pass the mysterious looking guy as he walks out with an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

MYSTERIOUS LOOKING GUY

Sure, I worked with Fred Gwynne for years.

Come back to my place and I'll tell you about

the time me and Al Lewis filled his boots with rice pudding.

Buffy and Chambers are at the counter turning in their shoes. Xander and Willow run up, breathless.

WILLOW

Buffy, I'm glad we caught you.

CHAMBERS

Well, look at this. You guys are just showing up everywhere.

BUFFY

What are you doing here?

XANDER

Quick, we've got to get to--

Willow nudges him and glances over at Chambers.

XANDER

Uh, we thought it'd be fun to make this a double date.

He puts his arm around Willow.

BUFFY

(suspicious)

With you? I didn't know you two were seeing each other?

WILLOW

Oh, yeah. Going on nine days now.

We knew it would happen eventually and figured, hey, why fight it?

XANDER

(trying to be sincere)

Yeah. Sometimes love just blossoms.

BUFFY

You've hidden it so well.

XANDER

(whispering to Willow)

I don't think she's buying it.

WILLOW

(whispering to Xander)

Yeah. We'd better make out.

CHAMBERS

Actually, Buffy and I were just about to leave.

XANDER

Hey, if you guys are exiting,

maybe we should all go somewhere together.

BUFFY

Gee, that is so nice of you to ask.

But Chambers and I were kind of, well, Chambers and I.

WILLOW

Come on. We can go... some place.

We can do... some things. It'll be a blast!

BUFFY

Where were you guys thinking?

XANDER

Oh, there are so many options.

CUT TO:

INT. MORTUARY - SAME TIME

Giles has barricaded the door, but the POUNDING continues, louder and louder. Suddenly, it stops. There

is a SILENCE. It appears the vampires have given up.

A WINDOW CRASHES IN FROM ABOVE.

Giles grabs a cane hanging on the wardrobe rack and starts whacking at the vampires' hands as they try to

climb in.

CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - CONTINUOUS

XANDER

You know what would be fun?

I hear there's kind of like a party going on.

(deliberately)

At the cemetery.

WILLOW

(deliberately)

Giles is there.

BUFFY

(mocking their tone)

Thank you, I know.

XANDER

With some friends.

Buffy realizes what they're saying.

BUFFY

Oh, no. Giles.

(then)

We've got to get over there.

CHAMBERS

Cool. Party.

BUFFY

Oh. Chambers. Maybe we should

do the goodbye thing here.

CHAMBERS

What do you mean?

BUFFY

Well, this party... After bowling,

it'll probably be anti-climactic.

CHAMBERS

You don't want me to go?

BUFFY

No, it's just, well, you wouldn't really

know anyone. They don't go to our school.

CHAMBERS

That's okay. I'm always up for meeting new people.

WILLOW

Buffy, we really need to get there.

BUFFY

I know, I know. But...

(looks up at Chambers; then gives up)

Okay, let's make it a foursome.

They all run towards the door.

WILLOW

(to Xander)

I'm still thinking it would help if we make out.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY - A LITTLE LATER

Buffy and the gang run into view. There is a CRASH from the mortuary. They look to see:

Shadows bouncing off the walls inside the mortuary as the clamor continues.

CHAMBERS

Must be a wild party.

BUFFY

You guys stay here. Let me check it out.

She runs ahead.

WILLOW

(to Chambers; covering)

She likes to make an entrance.

CUT TO:

INT. MORTUARY - A SECOND LATER

The two vampire henchmen are searching the place, overturning coffins, etc. Giles is nowhere to be seen.

The barricade Giles built CRUMBLES as Buffy bursts through the door, pulling a stake out of her purse.

BUFFY

Viewing hours are over.

One of the vampires lunges towards Buffy. She grabs his arm, twists him around, and holds his arm behind

his back.

BUFFY

Funeral services will be held--

She reaches around and plunges a stake through his heart.

BUFFY

--now.

She drops the body to the floor.

The other vampire begins circles Buffy. She holds him at bay with her stake.

BUFFY

(re: stake)

Where do you want it?

The vampire kicks the stake out of Buffy's hand. It goes flying across the room.

BUFFY

I guess that answers that.

The vampire tackles Buffy and they roll around a bit until Buffy slithers away on her back. He grabs for

her feet, trying to pull her to him. She kicks at him, and latches on to the doorframe behind her.

The vampire finally gets a grasp on Buffy's legs and gives a yank. A huge wooden splinter from the

shattered doorframe comes off in Buffy's hand. As she is jerked towards him, she buries the splinter in his

heart.

She pushes him away and gets up: she's a tattered mess.

BUFFY

That's the last time I spend two hours on my hair.

She hears Giles' muffled voice.

GILES (O.C.)

Buffy?

Buffy looks around.

BUFFY

Giles?

GILES (O.C.)

Buffy, I'm in here.

Buffy looks at all the drawers on the wall.

BUFFY

Where?

GILES (O.C.)

In here.

Buffy goes to a drawer, opens it, and looks inside. We see only her reaction.

BUFFY

That's not Giles.

She closes the drawer.

GILES (O.C.)

Buffy...

BUFFY

I'm trying, I'm trying.

She opens another drawer, looks inside.

BUFFY

Ew, that had to hurt.

She closes that drawer, looks in another.

BUFFY

That's... well, that's just wrong.

She closes the drawer and opens another.

ANGLE: GILES LAYS IN THE DRAWER NEXT TO A CORPSE.

GILES

How was your date?

BUFFY

Apparently, better than yours.

Buffy helps Giles out of the drawer.

GILES

Well, I suppose I don't have to say

that I was correct in my prediction.

BUFFY

Something tells me you will anyway.

GILES

No, no. I won't bask in the glory and rub your nose

in the fact that old Giles was right and that young,

inexperienced Buffy was one-hundred percent wrong.

BUFFY

Thank you.

GILES

It would only further heighten the

current embarrassment you must be--

BUFFY

Annoyance factor dangerously high.

GILES

I'm done.

BUFFY

What were you thinking taking on vampires

by yourself? You're a watcher, not a slayer.

GILES

What else could I do? You were off acting

like an irresponsible teenager.

BUFFY

I am an irresponsible teenager.

GILES

How long are you going to fall back on that

hollow justification for your juvenile activities.

BUFFY

I'm thinking it should do me until I'm about twenty.

Xander, Willow, and Chambers come in.

CHAMBERS

Where's the party?

BUFFY

It's pretty much over.

GILES

On the contrary, it's just about to begin.

BUFFY

Meaning exactly-- huh?

GILES

Our previous two ‘guests' were, as you noticed,

only two. If you'll recall, the announcement about

tonight's event specifically stated there would be

seven in the attendance. Too, the invited ones will

be dressed in, shall we say, their ‘funeral best.'

BUFFY

(realizing)

Because this is their first night.

GILES

Exactly. And we mustn't forget about

the ‘guest of honor' who will be rising--

(off Chambers)

--coming to the party with evening.

BUFFY

So when do these guests arrive?

Unseen by our gang, a DRAWER on the wall behind them SLOWLY OPENS and a VAMPIRE (the driver

from the van) sits up.

GILES

I have no idea. They were scheduled to be here by now.

Still unseen, MORE DRAWERS OPEN. FOUR MORE VAMPIRES (passengers from the van) sit up.

BUFFY

(impatiently)

Maybe this time you forgot to account for Daylight Savings.

From behind them, they hear a voice.

VAN DRIVER VAMPIRE

Sorry, we're late.

Buffy and the others turn to see the vampires have them surrounded. The vampires are partially dressed as

if being prepared for burial: the van driver is in a suit, the young bride and groom are in a wedding dress

and tuxedo, the mother is in a black dress, and the old man is in a naval uniform.

CHAMBERS

These are your friends?

BUFFY

No. They're crashers.

CHAMBERS

Why do they look so weird?

XANDER

They're, uh, on something.

WILLOW

Probably PCP.

BUFFY

Just say no.

The vampires go after our gang.

Buffy dives right in while Giles, Xander, and Willow go on the defense. They huddle close to Chambers,

keeping the vampires at bay with some of the stuff from Giles' bag.

GILES

Here. Hold this garlic.

He hands Willow some cloves.

WILLOW

These are shallots.

GILES

Drat. I always get those confused.

Xander pulls a cross out of the bag.

XANDER

I think this is a cross.

GILES

That should work.

The vampires are all over Buffy. She kicks one, punches another, and elbows a third.

CHAMBERS

Buffy's all alone out there.

What are we doing just sitting here?

GILES

She knows what she's doing.

CHAMBERS

We've got to help her!

Chambers breaks away and goes after the Groom, who is getting the upper hand on Buffy.

BUFFY

Chambers, no--!

Chambers puts his head down and rams the Groom in the midsection, pushing him up against a wall of

drawers. Chambers follows up with a couple of hooks and an uppercut. The Groom goes down.

Chambers turns around and smiles at Buffy.

CHAMBERS

I'll bet he's sorry he messed with me.

The Groom immediately pops up behind Chambers, grabs him, and slams a drawer into his head.

The Groom holds the lifeless body up by the collar and taunts Buffy.

GROOM VAMPIRE

Now see what you did?

You went and got your friend killed.

The Groom lifts Chambers' body over his head, then slams him into the ground. Buffy looks on, mortified.

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. MORTUARY - A SECOND LATER

Buffy is as before. She looks at Chambers on the floor, then glares at the Groom.

BUFFY

You've made me very angry.

Without shifting her gaze from the Groom, Buffy swiftly extends her arm to the side, landing a stake in the

heart of the Mom vampire who was sneaking up from behind.

Buffy rolls a wardrobe rack between herself and the Groom, then turns and faces the Old Man vampire. He

lands a foot in her side. She doubles over.

OLD MAN VAMPIRE

This old guy's still got some life in him.

He kicks her again, but Buffy grabs his leg and flips him backwards onto the floor.

BUFFY

Famous last words.

Buffy straddles the Old Man, takes a stake and does the deed.

ANGLE: THE VAN DRIVER VAMPIRE

who runs towards Buffy from behind and leaps into the air.

Buffy tosses a stake backwards over her shoulder. It sails through the air and sinks into the Van Driver's

chest just as he's coming down. Buffy rolls off the Old Man and the Van Driver lands on top of him.

Three down.

The Groom grabs Buffy by her collar. He calls to the Bride.

GROOM VAMPIRE

Honey, I have a gift for you.

He heaves Buffy through the air. Buffy slams into the wall and drops to the floor. The Bride pulls Buffy up

by the hair, and they struggle. Buffy tries to trap the Bride against the wall, but the Bride grabs Buffy's

arms and pins them to her side. The Bride holds Buffy there.

BRIDE VAMPIRE

I got her!

The Groom pulls the stake from the Old Man's heart and goes for Buffy. He raises the stake and brings her

arm down to bury it in Buffy's back.

At the last second, Buffy spins the Bride around and the Groom plants the stake in his wife's heart. Buffy

pushes the Bride off her, and the Bride collapses dead in her husband's arms.

BUFFY

And you two made such a cute couple.

The Groom screams in rage, throws his wife to the floor, and charges at Buffy. She shoulders him in the

mid-section and flips him straight up into the air.

Buffy kicks open a coffin, grabbing the stick which propped the lid up. The Groom flies into the coffin.

Buffy plunges the stick through his heart and slams the lid closed.

And that is that.

Buffy looks around at the carnage, but her moment of victory is overshadows by the sight of Chambers'

body heaped in a corner. She walks over to him and kneels down.

BUFFY

Why did that stupid prophecy have to come true tonight?

Giles puts a hand on her shoulder.

GILES

Evil does not like to wait.

BUFFY

It waited three thousand years. It couldn't wait one more night?

GILES

Buffy, I know this may be a small consolation,

but you have done a great service to humankind.

You prevented the chosen one from freeing the Master.

BUFFY

So what? Chambers is dead. All these other

people are dead. And for what? Why does

this kind of stuff have to happen?

GILES

I gave up long ago trying to answer such questions.

BUFFY

These people didn't do anything wrong.

They were just innocent victims. They didn't

ask to be turned into vampires. They didn't

know about any prophecy. I'll bet the chosen

on didn't even know he was the chosen one.

There is a loud thud. They all turn to see:

ANGLE: THE MILITIA VAMPIRE

He is shirtless, with bulging muscles, scars criss-crossing his torso -- think Robert Deniro in ‘Cape Fear.'

But with fangs.

XANDER

I think he knows.

Buffy rises to face her new challenger. She gives him the once over. There is a long beat.

BUFFY

He's big.

GILES

You can beat him, Buffy. Just remember

your training. Don't try anything fancy.

Stick with the fundamentals.

BUFFY

Stay out of it, Giles. This is between me and him.

Buffy begins to circle him.

BUFFY

You're the reason my date got killed.

ANGLE: CHAMBERS

His eyelids begin to flutter as he comes to.

Willow sees this.

WILLOW

Buffy...

Buffy and Militia are face-to-face.

BUFFY

By the time I'm done with you,

you'll wish you were dead. Or, weren't dead. I mean--

She leaps onto him. They crash into a table full of urns, which collapses beneath them, sending up a cloud

of ashes.

ANGLE: CHAMBERS

He's moving now, trying to sit up.

XANDER

Buffy, Chambers is --

Giles puts up a hand to stop Xander.

ANGLE: BUFFY AND MILITIA GUY

She pins him to the ground.

GILES

(to Xander)

Let's give her a minute.

Buffy is on top of Militia, swinging wildly.

BUFFY

Our first date--

A left hook.

BUFFY

--and I get the guy killed!

A right hook.

BUFFY

What am I going to tell his parents?

She slams his head against the floor.

Militia kicks Buffy off. She goes flying across the room. Militia charges her and leaps. Buffy rolls out of the

way and flips upright as Militia crashes onto the floor.

Militia reaches for Buffy. She dives into a somersault, lands on his opposite side, and kicks him in the ribs.

Before he can counter she does a back flip, vaults off the coffin behind her, and lands with the coffin

between them.

Militia gets to his feet and lunges at Buffy. She opens the coffin lid towards him, smashing him in the face.

He staggers backwards into the corner of the room.

Buffy's got him where she wants him. She cartwheels over to him, ending with a flip, and lands--

--facing the wrong way.

She's staring at the corner of the room. She turns around, Militia is towering over her.

MILITIA VAMPIRE

Oops.

He laughs maniacally. Buffy looks around. She's trapped.

BUFFY

Uh, Giles? Help?

Militia grabs Buffy, opens his mouth, and aims at her neck. She strains to keep him away.

GILES

The book! It'll know what to do.

He reaches into his bag and pulls out the large book.

BUFFY

(to Giles; urgent)

Now?

GILES

(leafing through books)

Looking, looking.

Buffy is still holding off Militia, who strains closer to her neck.

BUFFY

Use the book!

GILES

I am.

BUFFY

No. Use the book!

Giles looks at the huge book in his hands.

GILES

Right!

He struggles to raise the massive tome over his shoulder, closes his eyes and, with all his might, slams its

heft into the back of Militia's head. Militia collapses.

Buffy grabs a nearby ‘R.I.P.' wreath fastened to an easel and plunges one of the legs through Militia's

heart.

He is finished.

Buffy dusts herself off, picks up the book and hands it to Giles.

BUFFY

Good thing you didn't bring the Cliff's Notes.

ANGLE: CHAMBERS

He is coming out of his daze, not sure where he is.

CHAMBERS

Does anybody have an aspirin? Or sixty?

BUFFY

Chambers!

She rushes to him.

BUFFY

You're okay.

Chambers feels the back of his head.

CHAMBERS

Do I have another head back there?

BUFFY

I think it'll heal.

Buffy gingerly helps him to his feet.

CHAMBERS

(still groggy)

What happened to all those guys?

BUFFY

We scared them away.

CHAMBERS

Good, because, you know, I would have...

BUFFY

I know.

(a beat)

I'm sure this isn't what you expected on our first date.

CHAMBERS

Yeah, I thought maybe we'd finish up at Ben & Jerry's--

BUFFY

We still could.

CHAMBERS

No, I think I'll just walk home.

He starts out, then turns back.

CHAMBERS

Um, which way is home?

BUFFY

I'll get you there.

She reaches for him. He backs away from her.

CHAMBERS

Uh, no. I'll go it alone.

He walks off.

XANDER

We'll make sure he gets there okay.

He and Willow follow after Chambers.

WILLOW

(to Xander)

Then we should probably make out.

And they're gone. Giles zips up his bag.

GILES

Well, it's a good thing I planned ahead. Otherwise,

you'd be merely the latest in a long line of slayers

whose lives were cut short by carelessness and overconfidence.

BUFFY

Giles, you're gushing.

GILES

I'm sure you're aware that your over-flamboyant

moves nearly cost us our lies. Had you stuck to the fundamentals--

BUFFY

Is that all you ever think about?

GILES

Yes. That's what I'm supposed to think about.

BUFFY

Well, I think about other things. Like my life, my future,

my kitchenette at the Old Single Woman's Home.

GILES

Must you always be so dramatic?

BUFFY

I'm a high school sophomore. It comes with the package.

GILES

You have duties as a slayer--

BUFFY

Didn't you see what happened here? I really liked

Chambers, and now any chance I have with him

is ruined because of my stupid destiny.

GILES

Buffy, you can not ignore who you are.

BUFFY

Hey, I never wanted this. I like who I was before just fine.

And you know what I liked best about then? I didn't know you!

Buffy turns on her heals and walks out, leaving Giles alone.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMPUS - THE NEXT DAY

Buffy is with Xander and Willow.

BUFFY

Did Chambers get home okay?

XANDER

Yeah.

BUFFY

Did he say anything about me?

WILLOW

You mean specifically about you?

BUFFY

Or generally, in the area, in the ballpark, any sort of implication--

XANDER

Oh, well, in that case, no.

WILLOW

But he was pretty incoherent, so maybe we missed it.

BUFFY

You think?

XANDER

No.

BUFFY

I knew it. I totally blew it.

Chambers runs up to them.

CHAMBERS

Hey, Buffy.

BUFFY

Chambers...

WILLOW

(to Xander)

I think this is our stop.

Willow moves off. Xander stands there. He feels a tug on his shirt as Willow pulls him away.

CHAMBERS

Hi.

BUFFY

Hi.

A long beat of silence.

BUFFY

This is going well.

CHAMBERS

I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this, but, about last night--

BUFFY

You don't even have to. I'm sure you were pretty freaked out.

CHAMBERS

Totally.

BUFFY

Okay, then.

CHAMBERS

And I was kind of hoping I could see you again.

Buffy stands there stone-faced. She snaps out of it.

BUFFY

I'm sorry. That was my hopeful ear.

(turning her head)

Could you say that again?

CHAMBERS

You are the most amazing girl I've ever met.

You're so sweet, but there's something... dangerous about you.

BUFFY

(smiling)

Really?

CHAMBERS

Last night was incredible. When can we do it again?

BUFFY

Again.

CHAMBERS

How about tonight?

BUFFY

Tonight would be--

She stops herself. Something isn't right here.

BUFFY

--not a workable thing.

CHAMBERS

Tomorrow, then? Or some other time?

I quit the debate team, so I am free any night this week.

BUFFY

Actually, you see, the thing is...

(struggling for words)

You're a really nice guy. But the timing's all off.

The meaning of Buffy's words sink in.

CHAMBERS

Oh. Timing.

BUFFY

Don't take this personally, I mean, it's not you, it's me.

CHAMBERS

(nodding)

Right. It's you.

BUFFY

Believe me, it's me. I've just got to take some time

and balance out some things in my life. Because you

see, I'm... different. And I think after a while you'd

want something that's a little more, well, there.

But I'm still hoping--

CHAMBERS

I get it. You just want to be friends.

BUFFY

That'd be nice.

CHAMBERS

(backing away)

Yeah. Great. Friends.

Chambers turns and goes. Buffy watches him disappear into the mass of students.

From behind her we hear:

GILES (O.C.)

That must have been terribly hard for you.

Buffy spins around and sees Giles. She tenses up, then softens.

BUFFY

Yeah, it was.

GILES

He cares for you very much.

BUFFY

That's why I had to end it. Chambers was way

too into what was going on last night. If we'd kept

going out, he could have ended up getting killed. Or worse.

GILES

I'm afraid you're probably right.

BUFFY

And I thought, I'm not being fair to him.

He deserves a normal life.

He shouldn't have to put up with all...

(searching)

this.

GILES

No one should.

BUFFY

But I'm sure there will be other gorgeous guys

who would do anything for me and are perfect

in every way. Oh, wait, no there won't. Because I'm a freak.

Giles looks across the campus. Groups of students are hanging out, talking, laughing.

GILES

You know, there's no reason we absolutely

have to train tonight. According to my calculations,

no uprisings are planned for at least another twenty-three days.

BUFFY

Should I ink that, or just pencil it?

GILES

Let me get back to you.

They head towards the library.

BUFFY

Oh, I meant to thank you. That book really came

in handy last night. Maybe we could check out

some of the stuff inside.

GILES

I thought you had no use for the old ways.

BUFFY

Never hurts to cover your bases.

GILES

You had them covered pretty well last night.

That over-the-shoulder stake toss was right on target.

BUFFY

On that one I got lucky. But you and the book?

That's what saved my glutes.

GILES

I beg to differ. I didn't do a thing. It was you who

kept us from becoming -- how do you kids say it -- dog meat.

BUFFY

What are you talking about? The Giles-man came prepared.

I just showed up and started swinging.

GILES

Buffy, please. You're the one who drove a stake through

the heart of that ancient prophecy. You fulfilled your

duties as a slayer to perfection. We can count this as

another defeat for the Master.

CUT TO:

INT. THE MASTER'S LAIR

The Master is speaking to someone who is as yet unseen.

MASTER

I am very pleased. Your arrival has been eagerly

anticipated. You are gifted in way of which you are

yet unaware, and with your help I will finally be free. Welcome.

REVEAL he is speaking to the eight-year-old boy from the van. The boy looks up at the Master innocently.

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

THE END